holiday blues

December 24, 2023

Triumphing Over Holiday Depression

It is that time of year. TV offers happy families and smiles around the Christmas tree or turkey dinner. Festive window displays adorn your local department store. Greeting cards proclaim good cheer and the value of family and fraternity. And there you are, alone or lonely, wondering how you missed the boat.

The media often overstate the happiness quotient of the average person, at least in my country. It is difficult not to believe that many, if not most, people are having a better time than we are; they are more loved, more popular, and have more fun.

First off, don’t be fooled. You are not alone. Just because you are not represented in the media ads doesn’t mean you are solo in your suffering. Many keep a low profile at this time of year, fearful they will be judged losers if they proclaim their isolation; few want to be objects of pity, and that is precisely what they expect if it should become known that they have nowhere to go and no one to be with on Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year’s Eve.

But countless people are alone: many of the divorced, widowed, and childless; many who live at great distances from their families; many who have recently broken up with someone; many who are estranged from family or friends; many who have recently moved; and many of the unemployed, who have lost the connectedness to co-workers that was an emotionally sustaining source of support.


Holidays can also be difficult because of the haunting memories of better times. This is especially true if the loss of loved ones is fairly recent. The first festive occasion or two after a divorce or death is especially difficult, so great is the contrast between the focus on family that past holidays brought and the fact of being bereft. Moreover, holidays tend to rob the lonely of the distraction of work, generating significant expanses of empty time, filled only by reflections on one’s sorry state as the time moves with a dull, clumsy, funereal tread.

On top of all this, there is the problem of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Typically, the pattern is one of onset of a depressive episode in the fall or winter, with remission coming in the spring. Additionally, the cyclical condition is not due to some external event (such as the beginning of school in the fall) but instead is thought to do with the relative unavailability of “bright visible-spectrum light” characteristic of the dark months.

What do you do then if you are suffering from the holiday blues? Here are a few possibilities:

1. Although your unhappiness presupposes the absence of satisfying social contact, at least consider whether there is someone you can reach out to who might welcome being remembered by you and invite you over. Social withdrawal tends to feed on itself, only making us feel worse. While it is true that rejection is painful, many people are more than usually welcoming at this time of year; the risk might be worth the reward.

2. Keep busy doing something productive or distracting — ideally active. Clean your house, build, exercise, or learn to play chess online. Do a task that will take you outside yourself.

3. Consider volunteering at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. Not only is this important work, but it will fill the time and might even make you aware that, however bad your situation is, it is better than others. Another benefit is the human contact such volunteerism provides, including the possibility of making new friends, among whom might be those who also find themselves alone on the holidays.

4. Make a list of the things about which you are grateful. Most of us take much for granted. Perhaps there are still things in your life that you can count as blessings and look forward to. Such reminders are often helpful in boosting a sagging spirit.

5. If you have the means, travel can be a good and beneficial use of your time during the holidays. Fares are often cheaper on the holiday itself. Going to a warm climate or a new place might break up your routine and, once again, give you a chance to do new things and meet new people.

6. Internet social networking sites may be worth investigating. While not usually as satisfying as face-to-face human contact, this relatedness can lead to friendship for some and reduce one’s sense of complete isolation.

7. If you’ve been on the planet for a while, remember the past difficulties you have overcome and how you did so. Likely, the same human qualities that enabled you to overcome other tough times will get you over the holidays.

8. If you have been diagnosed with seasonal depression (SAD), consider obtaining a light box that provides a full light spectrum for your own in-home therapy. These can be found easily by googling “lightbox,” “happy lamp,” or “happy light.” These are not enormously expensive.

9. Music can be a balm, making it, or listening to it.

10. Psychotherapy and/or anti-depressant medication are always available should you wish to take on your sadness in the most direct and consequential way.

11. My dad’s favorite expression was, “Every knock is a boost.” Reminding himself that he would learn and grow from hard times enabled him to get through the Great Depression as a young man with only sporadic work opportunities. The Stoic philosophers would have applauded him. If you can reframe your suffering as something that will enable you to strengthen your character, it might assist you in getting well into the future. The diary of the most famous stoic, Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, will likely be found in every library.

12. You will be welcomed in almost any house of worship. They hope to provide you with solace and joy.

With all my good wishes for a better year.

Peace.

GS

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All the paintings are the work of George Frederick Watts. They are Love and Life, Hope, and The Creation of Eve, in order from top to bottom.

November 26, 2023

The Transformation of a Man Without Love

Something new entered the heart of a 55-year-old man.

J had been alone in the world for twenty-five years. He had never been a father, lover, spouse, or friend. In prison, he was bitter, gloomy, celibate, ignorant, and solitary. The ex-convict’s heart was nonetheless full of virginal innocence.

His sister and her children had left him only a vague and far-off memory that gradually disappeared; he made every effort to locate them and, having failed, forgot them. Such is human nature. Other tender emotions of his youth, if he had any, had fallen away.

J promised a dying woman to find her eight-year-old girl who was hostage to an abusive couple. When he rescued and took charge of the little one, he felt stirred to the depth of his being.

Whatever affection within him came alive, and was directed towards the child. He approached the bed where she slept and trembled with the joy of a mother with her new born.

I will tell you who this man is, but first, I want to address his loneliness. It is not uncommon.

I have met such men. Some have themselves been abused, others neglected. A few received little parental guidance and grew up clueless. Usually, they had difficulty making friends and often endured being singled out and bullied. They never found the gift of making social contact and lacked the confidence to approach anyone attractive to them.

Family and relatives may be their most reliable and closest contacts. They tend to live with or near their kinfolk for much of their lives. Perhaps they make a decent living but remain in the shadows.

All of us have walked past them without noticing. They don’t cause trouble. Indeed, such males have mastered the art of invisibility and the rest of us the trick of recognizing an untroubling slice of what the world offers us, but nothing more.

It is worth wondering what they do during the holidays. Occupying themselves with themselves, I imagine. Unless, like J, they have the good luck of discovering a friend or neighbor’s kindness — or becoming a loving uncle or unexpected guardian to a young person.

There is a door to ending loneliness. I’ve known a few like J, the gentleman described above, who waited for another to open it.

Sometimes, one does well serving as a doorman.

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The little girl in the story above is Cosette. The man is called Jean Valjean. They are characters in Victor Hugo’s novel Les Misérables.

The photos are sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Both are pictures of fathers and daughters. The first is the work of Caroline Hernandez, while Reinhard Breitenstein photographed the second.

January 1, 2011

Courage For the New Year

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cd/Churchill_V_sign_HU_55521.jpg

Many of you, I suspect, have had a tough time over the holidays. Perhaps lonely, perhaps worried about what the future will bring. Many all over the world are yet unemployed or underemployed. Things have been difficult.

I offer you, therefore, an audio excerpt linked below, from a late 1941 speech given by Winston Churchill, the British Prime Minister during most of World War II.

I hope that it will provide some solice and some reason to believe that a better future is possible.

Things were particularly dark for England in 1940. All of continental Europe had been conquered by the Nazis and night after night, the great cities of that island nation were bombed by the Luftwaffe, Hitler’s air force. The British Empire stood alone against the Third Reich and expected a land invasion. The United States had not yet entered the War and there was no certainty that it would.

Virtually no one thought England would survive.

But Churchill did and the Nazis were defeated.

In October of 1941, still prior to the USA’s entry into the war, Churchill was asked to speak to the students of Harrow School, an independent boarding school that was his alma mater.

What he had to say applies quite well to those, even today, who might fear that worse is to come in their lives, as well as those who despair over their current condition.

Listen to the first three minutes and ten seconds and take heart.

The entire excerpt is just over four minutes long.

Once you click on the blue link just below this paragraph, look at the upper  right corner of the page. Then scroll down and click on the Speech #33 (incorrectly identified as having been given in November 1941):

BBC Winston Churchill Speech to Harrow School

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The image above is Winston Churchill on Downing Street Giving His Famous ‘V’ (For Victory) Sign, June 5, 1943. Sourced from Wikimedia Commons.