Hurry Up and Slow Down: Thoughts on the Use of Time

 

Imagine you are standing in an endless, unmoving line. An upcoming appointment looms, and you will be late. Frustration and unexpressed anger bubble up, aimed at an old man or woman at the front of the queue who can’t locate and dig out the wallet buried in a pocket or purse.

It’s about time—the time that slips away, the time things take, the clocks, and the numbers on your phone. When you get old enough, the days start to pass in a flash.

Robert Southey put it this way:

Live as long as you may, the first 21 years are the longest half of your life.

You won’t be able to read all the books you want, see all the concerts, consume every binge-worthy series, or visit all the countries.

Perhaps you should slow down and consider how best to use your time. Would “less” become “more.” More fulfilling?

What have clever people said about this?

Mark Twain wrote:

There isn’t time—so brief is life—for bickerings, apologies, heart-burnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving—& but an instant, so to speak, for that.

Clara Spaulding was a family friend to whom Twain, Sam Clemens’s pen name, offered that advice on August 20, 1886. He was 50 when he penned this letter and 74 when he died.

Some other thoughts on the subject of mortality and time’s brevity:

After all, what is death? Just nature’s way of telling us to slow down.

A. Alvarez identified the quote as an insurance proverb in 1979.

Kingsley Amis suggested the following:

Death has got something to be said for it:

There’s no need to get out of bed for it;

Wherever you may be

They bring it to you, free.

Sounds like breakfast in bed to me. Not what you ordered, of course.

Back to Twain, he knew he had wasted time when young, perhaps reinforcing his advice to Clara Spaulding 10 years later:

Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckleheadedness—and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty (1876).

Clearly, Twain gave more than a bit of thought to the passage of time, some of it amusing. Here is a quote from a letter to his mother when he turned 43 in 1878:

I broke the back of life yesterday and started downhill toward old age. This fact has not produced any effect on me that I can detect.

T.S. Eliot, another well-remembered writer, seems to have wanted to get on with things, reckoning that if he were closer to his end, there would be some advantages:

The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. (1950, age 62).

Ben Franklin had some advice for those of us who wish to be remembered:

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing. (Poor Richard’s Almanc, 1738). 

I wonder what he would say about blogging?    

At age 20 (1726), Franklin wrote guidance for himself in the form of 13 virtues: 

  1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
  2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
  3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
  4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
  5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
  6. Industry. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
  7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly.
  8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  9. Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
  11. Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  12. Chastity. Rarely use venery for health or offspring, but never dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
  13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Goethe, the towering German polymath, had a generous take on man’s demise, at least in some cases:

Mozart died in his six-and-thirtieth year. Raphael at the same age. Byron only a little older. But all these had perfectly fulfilled their missions; and it was time for them to depart, that other people might still have something to do in a world made to last a long while (1828).

Are all of us as sure of our mission as Mozart was?

George Bernard Shaw shared a remarkable view of the male gender to be found in The Revolutionist’s Handbook of 1903:

Every man over 40 is a scoundrel.

Nowadays, one only says that about the cheerleaders for a political party other than ours.

On a more positive note, Corot, the French landscape and portrait painter, offered this:

In July, when I bury my nose in a hazel bush, I feel 15 years old again. It’s good! It smells of love! (1867)

He would be 71 that year, suggesting that love can live and grow into old age.

But let’s leave the last word to a lady of wisdom and cleverness. This comes from Lady Astor, the first woman to become a member of the British Parliament:

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52 even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

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Grombo created Morning Fog at the Golden Gate Bridge. A.F. Bradley took Mark Twain’s 1907 photo. Joseph-Siffred Duplessis painted the Ben Franklin Portrait, and Jean-Antoine Houdon created the Franklin Bust in 1778. Finally, the 1923 picture is of Nancy Astor (Viscountess Astor) in 1923. Her dates are 1879—1964. All these came from Wikimedia Commons.

My Conversational Life: Of Love and Time

A busy street is an exciting place to walk. Couples chat while many singles listen to music or podcasts on earbuds or headphones. Others talk to friends on portable devices, oblivious to the flesh and blood crowd.

I usually look at faces, perhaps because of my career as a clinical psychologist. When I go into grocery stores, I often say a few words to one or more employees. I also search for name tags to voice their names instead of shrouding them in namelessness.

My friend Keith and I went to lunch on Thursday. The front desk hostess seated us at the quiet table we requested. The miss recognized that the table needed to be moved to allow us more room.

The diligent employee was perhaps 25, slightly built, and pretty, but I mostly attended to her strength and thoughtfulness in gripping and pulling the table.

“My goodness, you are strong … and lovely, too.”

“Thank you.”

She was both, though I didn’t gaze closely at her since my buddy and I were in the middle of a conversation upon entry.

When we left 90 minutes later, we passed by the front desk again. I looked at her with purpose this time. The youthful woman possessed a pastel beauty, understated in her delicate appearance and unforced gift of enchantment. I could only say, “You are even more beautiful now.”

It was true. I viewed her in a way I hadn’t before—looking into her eyes as I do with many people, as if all others have vanished, and the world consists of only the two of us.

In a second, before I turned away to catch up to my friend, I saw the beginning of a tear in one of her eyes. She couldn’t speak, but her expression and the tear said everything.

Such moments come to me without effort. My friends know me as a serious man with an excellent sense of humor. When I look at them, they recognize they are being seen.

My life is complete, and I seek no lovers who are a third of my age, no matter their attractiveness—even assuming they are interested.

Between the seconds that opened and closed our lunch, Keith and I talked about the recent death of his oldest brother and other consequential matters. My conversations are spiced with more humor, as a rule. At the end of our meeting, I did something I now do with such friends.

I told him what he meant to me.

I do not say what others offer more casually. I am specific. My words tell these fellow travelers what I find interesting, important, or remarkable about them. If one observes the other in-depth, this is not difficult.

It is essential.

One might ask why I have begun doing these things—to compliment the young woman or to tell my friends what fine qualities I recognize in them and why I value them as I do. 

In the past two years, I have lost six friends, acquaintances, or relatives: Cliff Levy, Don Osborn III, Lincoln Ramirez, Neil Rosen, Cheryl Huston, and Don Byrd. Three suffered long illnesses before their passing. I had not been in recent touch with them all before they died. Only with my cousin Cheryl did I speak of her importance to me and the reasons why.

Life is sometimes rather like a 40-minute Zoom meeting. It is free, an invention some of us use to catch up with others. Toward the end of our time, we might hear someone in the middle of their sentence, and the next word is suddenly cut off. Such is life.

Yes, I can buy more time on Zoom, but with all the people I mentioned, no amount of money would have achieved that end—stretching their lives and their loves, the stuff that made them special.

So goes a lesson I’ve learned about conversation, love, and time.

I do not seek your condolences and am not looking for a date. Nor should you think I am signaling some future tragic end.

This is about something else entirely.

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The 1929 photo is of the 14-year-old Swedish actress Ingrid Bergman. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

The Meaning of Life is…

Thoughtful people since the beginning of time have looked for the answer to the biggest question of all: what is the meaning of life? But recently I’ve begun to wonder whether perhaps it is the wrong question. The existentialists have long suggested that it is our job, each of us, to find our own meaning. But even if you believe in the idea that we must take responsibility for the one life that we have and view it as a creative act, to make what we can of it, I’m still not convinced that the question is the best one available.

What then might be a better question? The question I’m thinking of is, what are the meanings of a life, the purposes to which one puts that life? In other words, the meaning of a life, its target or goal, would be viewed as a changeable and changing thing, not just different from one individual to another as the existentialists suggest, but different depending upon the moment that the question is asked of any single life. It might be one thing when you are 15 and quite another when you are 50, still another at 75.

But first let us consider very briefly the answers to the original question, what is the meaning of life? One could go on at length about the various “isms: hedonism, stoicism, and so forth. I will not do this. Others know more about them and have already discussed them at great length. Still, one must give a nod in the direction of the meaning of life being the simple biological fact of procreation, continuing the human race. The religious might argue that the will of God for each individual as the meaning for that particular person, along with doing honor to God’s law. Then there are those who believe that life is intended to increase one’s understanding and knowledge, or to have the maximal amount of pleasure, or to perfect oneself by fulfilling your innate talents and capacities, or to make the world a better place than you found it, or quite simply to love in a deep and abiding fashion.

But, my current thought is that there is no single meaning for all persons, but changing meanings as we grow up and age. Early-on, the meaning of our lives is perhaps to be found in discovering what we can do, who we are, and mastering the extraordinary number of things any little person has to learn just to get out the door and off to school. Not far into the process one must determine how to relate to people, how to honor yourself without disrespecting others, figuring out where you stand in the pecking order of athletic, intellectual, and social competition. Discovering one’s vocation must be on the list, since most of us take so much meaning from what we do for a living, be it as a captain of industry, a scholar, a salesperson, or parent. All the better if what we do for a living provides a sense of fulfillment, creativity, acknowledgment, accomplishment, and growth.

Meaning is to be found in a life-partner too, in love, in family, in raising a child, and in risking your heart. And over time, friendships, especially if they are life-long, have great value and define us as people and as members of a tiny group of two or more friends or part of a community, pulling-together to do something worthwhile.

In war-time, loyalty, comradeship, and courage take special meaning; even to the point that, a few years before World War II, the Japanese government proclaimed loyalty as essential to the national morality. And, in the war itself, the idea of behaving honorably in the face of certain death, never allowing himself to be captured, guided the Japanese soldier and gave meaning to his service. Emperor, country, and comrades counted for a lot; even the importance of family sometimes diminished in the heat of battle, by comparison, when it was necessary to steel one self against the terror of combat.

Under less severe circumstances, learning is something that gives purpose as we work to understand ourselves and the human condition, as well as particular things about the world. Later on in life, for many people comes a certain generosity of spirit, a desire to help those who are coming after us, to lend a hand. And the shortness of time contributes to intensity of feeling, making the beauty of the earth, a smile, a song, an act of kindness, or an embrace all the more touching because we know that before too long, the sweetness of life will no longer be ours to savor.

Having taken all this time on the question I’ve raised, I think there is danger in spending too much time on trying to answer the question, “What is the meaning of life? If one has learned anything from life itself, it is that the time is precious and waiting in contemplation for a revelation of what we should do risks squandering the time we have. But most of us are comforted by a sense of direction, and one should try to determine what is of value, and to conform one’s behavior to what is important and worthy of effort and time. Indeed, mindfulness and commitment-based psychotherapies work very hard to encourage the person to become detached from things that are not important, and instead to focus him on his values and how to “live” them.

There is worth, then, in simply knowing that the clock is ticking and that the day is short; but only if that knowledge creates a sense of urgency in you and the desire to make the most of the time.

As John Donne wrote so long ago:

“Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.”