The Missing Piece of a Balanced Life

You have doubtless read about creating balance in your life. Common trade-offs include work vs. play, family vs. friends, and child-rearing vs. everything else.

Quality time is also mentioned as if it were possible to offer small amounts of devoted attention to one’s children in compensation for frequent or lengthy absences.

Something is missing here, or, one should say, there is at least one unmentioned challenge to reaching the equilibrium you are shooting for. It is how much time you spend preoccupied with troublesome ideas and feelings compared to the amount dedicated to lifting your spirit.

Further complicating the matter, the mind often drifts when not focused on something chosen or required.

Like the current of a river, the absence of focus carries some minds to dark places, including loss, anxiety, and physical pain. Those who are less troubled and more buoyant might land in a more agreeable resting place when the water grows still.

Wherever one lands regularly is called his set point, his usual state of being — his typical condition. The notion of a characteristic destination or norm also applies to such qualities as weight and body temperature.

Another feature of emotional balance is the source of the up or down emotion you sense within. Watching lots of partisan TV can impair a sense of peace. The alternative of avoiding commentary on societal distress might seem better, but it provides only temporary relief and a lack of preparedness to take on the part of life you find unsettling.

Each individual makes a choice about this, whether aware of it or not. Less noted are those who hold the dark and the light at the same time:

Alas, our fundamental experience is duality: mind and body, freedom and necessity, evil and good, and certainly world and God. It is the same with our protest against pain and death. In the poetry I select(ed) [for my anthology “A Book of Luminous Things”], I am not seeking an escape from dread but, rather, proof that dread and reverence can exist within us simultaneously. — Czeslaw Milosz

Milosz suggests one can give due consideration to two states of being, each believed to exclude the other. In 2025, this might mean seeking joy in beauty, music, friendship, exploration of the world, and love as a first step.

It can also involve momentarily setting aside some of life’s ills while carefully selecting a tolerable portion to concentrate on and enlarging one’s resilience and capacity to endure.

Faith can enable balance, whether religious, belief in oneself, or confidence in what Martin Luther King called “the arc of the moral universe,” slowly bending toward justice.

A key to greater balance is recognizing that balance is never fixed—it never reaches a stationary permanence. Thus, even master meditators must keep practicing to approach a state of serenity.

Think of the tightrope walker. He forever adjusts his stance and the pole he holds across his body while his feet move him toward his goal. 

Bravery and ways to defeat anxiety are also part of what he learns, as is the skill to progress along a thin, straight line in his circular arena. His certainty of where he is going is no small factor in his likelihood of success. He is occupied with one task alone.

Accepting the never-completed balancing act necessary to your journey might calm you. Fighting against this necessity—believing in its unfairness and raging against the world for fashioning this predicament—will do you no good.

One more thing.

If you’d like to hear an upbeat four-minute speech for all of us given by Adam Clayton Powell in the late ’60s, here it is: “Keep the Faith, Baby.”

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The top and bottom photos are another example of the brilliant work of Laura Hedien: Laura Hedien Official Website.

The first is Afternoon Sun in East Lothian, Scotland, 10/2020; the last is Bald Eagle Along the Mississippi, Near Rock Island, IL, 2022.

The first of the two paintings above is Ivan Aivazovsky’s The Ninth Wave, 1850. The second is August Macke’s Tightrope Walker from 1913 or 1914.

Half the Way Home to Changing Your Life

You might be halfway to changing yourself but haven’t realized it. Sometimes, entering the darkness is the way to find the light. The sunrise waits for you and returns tomorrow to offer another chance to meet it.

Have you thought …

  1. I do not want to be this person.
  2. I don’t want to keep pretending.
  3. I know I’m scared, but I must stop avoiding those situations I fear.
  4. I need to be able to speak or present in front of a group.
  5. I’m afraid I will lose my friends if I change.
  6. Not all of my friends are worth keeping.
  7. I worry about being rejected.
  8. What must I do to become more confident?
  9. Will a therapist think I’m not worth treating? I will fail at counseling.
  10. I hear that counselors don’t give out grades.
  11. I need more friends.
  12. I make excuses not to go where I think I will be uncomfortable.
  13. I can’t eat alone in fine restaurants.
  14. I prefer talking on Zoom or on the telephone. I feel safer. Texts and emails are even better.
  15. I never know what to say but want to find the words.
  16. My parents and siblings are disappointed in me.
  17. My pet is my only real friend.
  18. I am easy to take advantage of. I feel used, but what would happen if I stopped?
  19. I avoid leadership opportunities if I can.
  20. I am not seen — not known by some people I’m closest to.
  21. I have made poor choices of friends.
  22. I read self-help books instead of changing what I do in the world.
  23. I need to go out more to places where I can meet people
  24. I compare how unhappy I feel with how joyous everyone else appears. Are they faking it?
  25. No more excuses. It is time!

If you have several of these thoughts, you are already more honest about yourself than many, including some you admire.

Half the work of psychotherapy is done.

The future holds risks for all of us, but we can also make ourselves over. An old expression reminds us that “every knock is a boost.” Learning and resilience can come from taking on challenges and enduring the defeats fate delivers. A therapist will remind you that you are not alone.

Perhaps you will gain a new perspective on the world and your place in it. Yes, the end of summer grows darker, but Camus wrote, “Autumn is a second spring when every leaf’s a flower.”

The sculptor’s clay stretches before you, waiting for your hands to reshape it. Listen to its quiet voice.

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The first image is The Great Wave off Kanagawa by Hokusai. It is followed by a view of San Francisco in Fog with Rays, posted by Brocken Inaglory. Both of these were sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

Finally, an Arizona Sunset on a Train Trestle, photographed in late July 2020, near Tucson by the superb photographic artist Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

“All the Music That Fits Between the Cracks”

Mike Seeger, half-brother of the better-known Pete Seeger, used the above words to describe American folk music. During my youth, the folk songs I heard touched on the everyday lives of unremarkable men and women and their efforts to take on life’s challenges, survive, and overcome them.

Lead Belly sang of his unfaithful woman. Tennessee Ernie Ford made his audience aware of the hardship of working in a coal mine with “Sixteen Tons.”

Peter, Paul and Mary, and Pete Seeger addressed the need for social justice. Woodie Guthrie described the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl. In the 1960s, some voices rose on behalf of organized labor and Civil Rights, and later, they opposed the Vietnam War.

Below, you will find all these voices, the Weavers (one of whom was Pete Seeger), and one more: Judy Collins singing Seeger’s song “Turn, Turn, Turn,” along with the composer, whose lyrics were taken from Ecclesiastes in the Bible.

I imagine we will be reminded of more and more of these old tunes by new performers. The moment calls for it. Don’t miss the final offering below: Seeger again, singing the gospel song, “We Shall Overcome:”

 

 

 

 

Hurry Up and Slow Down: Thoughts on the Use of Time

 

Imagine you are standing in an endless, unmoving line. An upcoming appointment looms, and you will be late. Frustration and unexpressed anger bubble up, aimed at an old man or woman at the front of the queue who can’t locate and dig out the wallet buried in a pocket or purse.

It’s about time—the time that slips away, the time things take, the clocks, and the numbers on your phone. When you get old enough, the days start to pass in a flash.

Robert Southey put it this way:

Live as long as you may, the first 21 years are the longest half of your life.

You won’t be able to read all the books you want, see all the concerts, consume every binge-worthy series, or visit all the countries.

Perhaps you should slow down and consider how best to use your time. Would “less” become “more.” More fulfilling?

What have clever people said about this?

Mark Twain wrote:

There isn’t time—so brief is life—for bickerings, apologies, heart-burnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving—& but an instant, so to speak, for that.

Clara Spaulding was a family friend to whom Twain, Sam Clemens’s pen name, offered that advice on August 20, 1886. He was 50 when he penned this letter and 74 when he died.

Some other thoughts on the subject of mortality and time’s brevity:

After all, what is death? Just nature’s way of telling us to slow down.

A. Alvarez identified the quote as an insurance proverb in 1979.

Kingsley Amis suggested the following:

Death has got something to be said for it:

There’s no need to get out of bed for it;

Wherever you may be

They bring it to you, free.

Sounds like breakfast in bed to me. Not what you ordered, of course.

Back to Twain, he knew he had wasted time when young, perhaps reinforcing his advice to Clara Spaulding 10 years later:

Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckleheadedness—and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty (1876).

Clearly, Twain gave more than a bit of thought to the passage of time, some of it amusing. Here is a quote from a letter to his mother when he turned 43 in 1878:

I broke the back of life yesterday and started downhill toward old age. This fact has not produced any effect on me that I can detect.

T.S. Eliot, another well-remembered writer, seems to have wanted to get on with things, reckoning that if he were closer to his end, there would be some advantages:

The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. (1950, age 62).

Ben Franklin had some advice for those of us who wish to be remembered:

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing. (Poor Richard’s Almanc, 1738). 

I wonder what he would say about blogging?    

At age 20 (1726), Franklin wrote guidance for himself in the form of 13 virtues: 

  1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
  2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
  3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
  4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
  5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
  6. Industry. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
  7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly.
  8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  9. Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
  11. Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  12. Chastity. Rarely use venery for health or offspring, but never dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
  13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Goethe, the towering German polymath, had a generous take on man’s demise, at least in some cases:

Mozart died in his six-and-thirtieth year. Raphael at the same age. Byron only a little older. But all these had perfectly fulfilled their missions; and it was time for them to depart, that other people might still have something to do in a world made to last a long while (1828).

Are all of us as sure of our mission as Mozart was?

George Bernard Shaw shared a remarkable view of the male gender to be found in The Revolutionist’s Handbook of 1903:

Every man over 40 is a scoundrel.

Nowadays, one only says that about the cheerleaders for a political party other than ours.

On a more positive note, Corot, the French landscape and portrait painter, offered this:

In July, when I bury my nose in a hazel bush, I feel 15 years old again. It’s good! It smells of love! (1867)

He would be 71 that year, suggesting that love can live and grow into old age.

But let’s leave the last word to a lady of wisdom and cleverness. This comes from Lady Astor, the first woman to become a member of the British Parliament:

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52 even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

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Grombo created Morning Fog at the Golden Gate Bridge. A.F. Bradley took Mark Twain’s 1907 photo. Joseph-Siffred Duplessis painted the Ben Franklin Portrait, and Jean-Antoine Houdon created the Franklin Bust in 1778. Finally, the 1923 picture is of Nancy Astor (Viscountess Astor) in 1923. Her dates are 1879—1964. All these came from Wikimedia Commons.

I Don’t Want Your Gifts

It is not that I don’t want anything from you. I just don’t want your gifts—material things—stuff.

What do I want?

Your attention—the kind of gentle but intense focus that says, “I see you,” and sometimes brings a tear.

Your time. Since it is always short and because we both know it will run out.

A quiet restaurant. A place where we can savor food and conversation without shouting to be heard 

An idea. Something I haven’t considered before. A thought to make me think. Yours.

Your effort to repair the world. It won’t be achieved otherwise, you know.

A well-chosen birthday card—something to bring laughter or tears. A phone call, too.

Good health and long life for you.

Truth. 

Openness to the darkness of life—without depression.

Openness to the beauty of life—without toxic, automatic optimism.

Good jokes or stories. There are never enough, but always more. I’ve told you a few, you know.

Touch. A hand, a hug, and sometimes a kiss.

A note, handwritten, more meaningful than the keyboarded variety.

Going out of your way.

The courage to tell me when I have done harm.

A buddy who doesn’t count—one who remembers that his last words won’t be, “Gee, I wish I had that $10 back.”

Civility.

The stillness that makes audible the rustle of trees and the tide coming in.

Stars piercing the light pollution, emerging from a pure, blue-skyed day and a cloudless, pitch-dark evening.

Allowing me to know your interior—that which matters more than your achievements, status, or beauty.

Your awareness of the lie in every mirror. Each one displays the outside when what matters is the inside and what you do with it.

For you to survive and grow from the life tests you encountered after those in school.

To hear you ask yourself, “What value do I have?” and “What value does life have?” You alone can find the answer.

That you overcome the anxiety of life and know you have done something heroic.

Making people laugh and smile.

That you don’t say, “I would have done better,” when talking about an experience you never lived through.

The teamwork to save the Western bumble bees, honey bees, and Monarch butterflies. Do you want to join the effort?

That you find love.

Your humility in the face of your opinions and beliefs. You might be wrong, you know, and that is the way we learn.

That you should have many long friendships.

Widespread generosity to support charities. Even giving $1.00. Here is one I like: Feeding America/

Your attention and kindness to the children and all their tomorrows.

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The first photo is a 3-D Gift Image by Vijay Verma. The second shows Afghan Children waiting to receive basic medical care and clothing at Camp Clark, Khowst Province, Afghanistan, on Dec. 22, 2009. It was taken by Staff Sgt. Andrew Smith. Both were sourced from Wikimedia Commons.