marriage

March 2, 2025

Defending Your Spouse

From the time of cavemen, a male took responsibility for defending the female. Today, the job is shared by the spouses, more or less, depending on the situation.

No longer is the act a simple matter of the male’s superior strength or the woman’s vulnerability when she is pregnant. Ideally, both partners expect to stand up for their mate in the face of an outsider’s insults and criticisms.

Safeguarding children from bullies and teachers who fail to play fair can often be shared. Similarly, taking on disrespectful relatives is not the sole domain of one gender or another.

Too often, however, one partner cedes guarding the fortress to the other, causing disappointment. The partner who faces the challenge discovers that the other can’t or won’t come to his aid. The latter vanishes in the face of conflict. Worse, the mate takes the opposing side, and marriages fall apart.

The sole protector might feel abandoned, unappreciated, and alone. His rage or heartbreak then breaks through to the one he loves. This pattern tends to become tiresome, brutal, or both. The couple’s joint sense of being supported and cared for is ground away, leaving one or both in despair.

Even the defender’s victories foster resentment as he dons his battered shield again. The family’s designated guardian tries to hoist the weight of a world already demanding too much to carry.

Relationships do not typically begin this way. The one inclined to serve as the bulldog is admired by the other, who feels less capable of taking that role and more needy of a bodyguard. The hero is applauded and enjoys the admiration.

With time, appreciation diminishes, and the dependency is resented on both sides. Whatever the task, whether negotiating with a car dealer or arguing with a plumber’s inadequate service, the aftermath includes grating discussions between the formerly loving pair or the silent unhappiness of the one who led the charge alone to put things right on behalf of spouse and children.

The irony of this marital distress is that both parties initially considered the other’s qualities a complement to their own. One wanted a defender, while the other desired hero worship. As Oscar Wilde said, “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it.”

The first step toward solving the growing incompatibility is for both parties to recognize how their “perfect fit” turned into a punishing one. Both individual and couples therapy might be required. The major protector must begin to accept the imperfect effort of the spouse to defend the family if the latter tries to take on the former’s role. At the same time, the acknowledged household defender must assume more of the noncombative, domestic responsibilities, which often amount to more than he is inclined to do.

A therapist is wise to ask the couple what drew them together. If they smile and delight in the memory, treatment has a chance to enlarge the remaining spark of love. However, their personality characteristics might be poorly matched despite once seeming a perfect fit.

Counselors need to recognize that their job is not to save every relationship. Some realize the doctor’s job is to mitigate the damage as the couple’s time together ends.

Magic wands are in short supply.

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The painting above is Warrior 17th Century by Ilya Repin, 1879. It is sourced from Wikiart.org.

 

February 16, 2025

Is Your Relationship OK?

Lasting relationships have become a “maybe/maybe not” roll of two slippery dice.

MAY 30, 2024 — The U.S. Census Bureau today released estimates showing that married-couple households made up 47% of all households in 2022, down from 71% in 1970.*

Before I discuss how to evaluate your relationship’s stability, let’s examine some reasons for the decline noted above.

  • The sexual revolution of the 1960s removed the shame attached to premarital intercourse, especially for young women. To the extent that sex is an incentive to marry, one needn’t commit to marriage anymore for this kind of togetherness.
  • The change in standards just described captures what Oscar Wilde said in the late 19th century:

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”

  • Divorce is also more frequent than it used to be, making marriage a more obvious gamble. While the annual rate of divorce has declined in recent years, it remains far higher than it was before the ’60s:

Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

orange line chart showing Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

  • Many more women have lives outside the home and in the workplace. Historically, women left their residence only with their mate or a chaperone. Now, both partners have more freedom to meet other attractive people. 
  • The church doesn’t have the hold on individuals and their lives to the extent it once did. Oral contraceptives have reduced the number of “accidents,” which used to cause the parents and clergymen of a young couple to encourage or insist on their marriage.
  • Many women have discovered they can have fulfilling lives without a significant other and prefer to enjoy that freedom. Society’s historical expectations to produce children have diminished, and the birth rate has declined, leaving females less encumbered.
  • The Internet provides endless opportunities to meet new people. Pornography offers a substitute erotic charge.
  • Our disposable world encourages us to get rid of objects and obtain new ones. This objectification extends to lovers. Those who depart often miss the learned experience of repairing relationships, an essential skill for a relationship to endure.
  • We live in a world that changes at an accelerating pace, demanding more of us and requiring adaptation that is not our choice. If persuaded to “Be all you can be,” there is less encouragement to attend to the needs of others, including a partner and children. The Me generation is not the We generation.
  • Women are less inclined to put their interests second or submit to men. The once-accepted dominance of men has been put in its place to some degree, but there is significant resistance. The cliche of “moving on” often wins over those who would otherwise view the one they love as worth fighting for or adapting to.
  • Many believe the partner should complete him or her, producing a whole and blissful existence. If we are to feel complete and happy, that circumstance is more the work of each of us than anyone else.

Solutions? Whether you wish marriage or a less formal relationship, here’s one piece of advice. Do not assume that your significant other can read your mind. He or she cannot, even if he is a therapist. Speak up!

From time to time, it is wise to do a relationship check-up. In effect, you might call it an effort to determine the State of the Union. 

Cover at least the following areas:

  • Understanding. Does the partner see you as you wish to be seen?
  • Non-sexual displays of affection.
  • Sex.
  • Do you enjoy your time together, and is there enough?
  • Do you want more time apart?
  • Do you want your partner to take initiative in any area, from sex to planning events?
  • Would you like to engage in more activities, such as concerts, plays, spectator sports, workouts, seeing your family, dining out with others, taking courses together, watching movies, reading to each other or sharing the same book, etc.?
  • Showing appreciation and kindness.
  • Are chores and responsibilities fairly distributed at home and with children?
  • Money.
  • Conflict and Apology.
  • Future Plans.

One could go on. Love continues for those who pursue it. It remains the thing that poets praise, and, for a great many, make the complications of a life together worth all the trouble.

Sigmund Freud reminded us that love and work are essential to our humanity. But perhaps he should have added that work on love is required to sustain love.

Why bother?

Because nothing else takes us over the moon.

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*The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR) at Bowling Green State University notes.

**Sources: NCFMR analyses of data from the National Vital Statistics, CDC/NCHS, 1900-2000; U.S. Census Bureau 2000 Decennial Census; U.S. Census Bureau (IPUMS), American Community Survey, 2010 and 2018 (IPUMS). Note: Data for Alaska begin in 1959. Data for Hawaii began in 1960.

The Maiden is the work of Gustav Klimt, 2013. The second painting is Paul Klee’s Architecture of the Plain, 1923. Both of these are sourced from Wikiart.org.

October 27, 2024

What Wise Women Want in a Relationship with a Man

Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) was puzzled by the women of his time. We shouldn’t be. They have a wisdom worthy of admiration.

The psychoanalyst once said to the esteemed Marie Bonaparte:

“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?‘”**

I will dare to answer the question the legendary psychiatrist could not. I received no small guidance from several knowing, kind, and whip-smart women I consulted on this issue. During my practice, I also evaluated or treated approximately 2000 individuals of the same gender.

First, I have narrowed the topic and will only offer a bit about young women. Like the men of their age, the experience, time, and change required to fully know themselves is ahead of them.

No one can understand what it will be like to marry, divorce, raise children to maturity, compete in the job market, suffer an illness, or grow older until many sunsets pass.

In the hormonal flow of youth, one is more prone to being swept away by a smile, charm, or an impressive resume. With luck, they have not yet been subject to the weight of longstanding desperation.

Time, disappointment, a broken heart, and mistreatment inform the wise about what they don’t want and what might create an enduring, loving partnership. Though we never fully understand ourselves, the clear-sighted and self-reflective among us acquire more self-knowledge than the younger version of ourselves.

Here, then, is a list of 18 characteristics that many astute, mature women are looking for in a partner:

1. To be Seen: A woman wants a consort to display interest in her. If the fellow is psychologically minded, such an enlightened companion will explore her ideas and soul as his acquaintance grows. Many women offer a sense of mystery and past adventures that go unmentioned unless a trusted one searches for them.

Significant others want to be recognized for who they are—never taken for granted. There are hopes, fears, passions, disappointments, and dreams to be uncovered. One extraordinary woman told me a lover should “look up when she enters the room.”

2. Kindness.

3. To be Admired: Routine wears down the niceties and compliments that draw us together. The words, flowers, candies, greeting cards, opened doors, and handwritten notes often become less frequent or vanish.

While it is impossible to make every day fresh, we all need admiration. With that comes respect and the acknowledgment that the other is your equal. She wants to be treated so.

4. Applause of Her Strengths and Acceptance of Her Weaknesses.

5. Financial Security: Women who earn more than sufficient funds sometimes fear a partner’s financial dependency or resentment of her success. Conversely, a male who controls the family finances because it is “his money” diminishes the one he says he loves and who he entrusts with their children.

To the extent the lady has set aside her career in whole or in part, appreciation should be factored into the twosome’s wealth.

6. Good Grooming: This quality includes caring for the body as it ages and regular medical checkups rather than avoiding MDs. Shaving regularly and showering after exercise show respect.

Not less than males, females want to be proud of how a mate appears in public. A man’s behavior needs to inform the woman she is desired. Attire and grooming tell her a part of this without words.

7. To be Heard: The partner should listen with intensity and focus, not impatience or overtalking. No one desires dismissal by someone checking the phone, looking at his watch, keeping the TV on, or reading.

Being heard requires patience, supportive listening, and understanding. It does not include unrequested solutions.

Men are inclined to dismiss emotions rather than provide comfort and recognition of the importance of the range of human feelings. One of the ladies I consulted reminded me that intimacy follows from being understood and heard.

8. Romance.

9. Sense of Humor: Wit, cleverness, and laughter are essential and count for more than many gents realize. A mature adult grasps the comical absurdities of life.

10. Acceptance of Physical Changes. No matter our self-care and exercise, evidence of aging cannot be hidden. The hand of Father Time can be delayed but not escaped. A wise spouse accepts this in himself and his mate.

11. A Mensch: According to Leo Rosten, Yiddish offers a version of “man” that differs from the definition of the same word in German.

A mensch is “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being a ‘real mensch’ is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous.”

Wikipedia adds, “The term is a high compliment, implying the rarity and value of that individual’s qualities.”

12. Honoring a Woman’s Role as a Caregiver and Family CEO: To the degree a man’s partner has historically taken on the traditional role of caregiver, this must be recognized and applauded. It should not be labeled as a set of tasks to be fulfilled by the female alone, expecting she forever put herself last.

Whether raising a child, earning a living, or both, a woman has accomplished something of merit. She requires time for self-care and wants a man to demonstrate his care for her through actions and words. She also needs time to herself, friendships, and activities apart from her husband.

13. Trust and a Sense of Safety—Physically, Verbally, and Emotionally.

14. Good Sex. Some couples will acknowledge a changed or fading sexual interest with time. A female confidant spoke for those who maintain much or all of their desire:

“Mature women are often more comfortable in their bodies, know what they like, have experience, and needn’t worry about pregnancy. They want a thoughtful and imaginative lover who cares about her pleasure.”

15. Opportunity and Support if a Woman Pursues a Career.

16. The Willingness to Apologize: The male ego insists that some men take an unashamed and unrepentant stance. Humble apologies are a necessity on both sides of any pair of people. Sincerity and reflection should be combined with humility, the better to escape future harm to someone you love.

17. Try to Show Interest in What Interests Them: It is well known that couples can grow apart over time. Too great a separation in what is vital to the other leads to a dying or dead letter connection between the individuals.

 18. Desiring No Man. Among those mature women who have had relationships and are heterosexual, more than a few find life satisfying without a romantic or sexual relationship with a man or woman.

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Some of you will take issue with what I’ve written because I said too much or too little or revealed that I share the psychological blindness of many of my gender. I shall be pleased to be informed of shortcomings. Thank you for reading.

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The first image is A Woman Bathing Her Feet in a Brook by Camille Pissarro, 1894/95, Art Institute of Chicago. It is followed by a Daguerreotype of an Unidentified Woman ca. 1850 by Southworth & Hawes.

The following photo is Colors of a Woman, 2009, by Alex Proimos from Sydney, Australia. Finally, J. Howard Miller’s “We Can Do It!” is also known as “Rosie the Riveter,” after the iconic figure of a strong female war production worker. 1942/43. All the images but the Pissarro work are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

**Sigmund Freud: Life and Work (Hogarth Press, 1953) by Ernest Jones, Vol. 2, Pt. 3, Ch.

August 11, 2024

Have You Met “The One”? Questions before You Say “Yes”

Attraction is powerful, but dating someone is also a matter of discovery. Before you choose a permanent partner, you might want to find out about the person behind the dazzle.

Ponder this:

“A majority of dog owners say they would consider ending the relationship if the pet disapproved of the partner,” according to Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times on August 4, 2024. Some suitors would try to finesse this by bringing a morsel for the animal, but I suspect the fellow’s attitude toward man’s best friend would come out in the long run.

What follows are a few more areas you might want to investigate as you get to know each other.

Does your possible future mate have children? Then it is best that you like kids.

One cannot stop there. You have an Ex to deal with and find out about.

How did the relationship with that person begin, what was the problem, and why did the connection collapse? What part of this was your new honey’s responsibility? Is there a pattern to her history of heartbreak?

If the children are older, do they do well in school? Are they kind? Do they hold any prejudices? Where have those attitudes come from?

What about your lover’s parents? You may want to find out about their background. The family a child marries into has been the most frequently used parental measuring stick in the history of betrothal. Old-fashioned? Many parents believe it is an essential element of suitability.  

More about potential in-laws. Did either of the parents survive a trauma? It is not unusual for there to be second-generation effects of that misfortune. Parents who lived through poverty, serious illness, the loss of loved ones, or wartime can pass on their opinions, anxieties, and other forms of unhappiness to their offspring without even knowing it.

Who are your sweetheart’s friends? What are they like? What does he like about them? Can he hold onto buddies? Does he give you enough time?

Are you comfortable with your friend’s diet and lifestyle? Can you live with his preoccupation with his phone? Are your politics and religion (or its absence) compatible? 

We live in a time of marriages between people of different ethnic groups, races, religions, and national origins. LBGT, too. Unfortunately, it is also a moment in which white supremacists and Christian nationalists are threatened by those who they believe are inferior or wrongheaded.

Individuals who marry outside conventional boundaries can encounter various forms of resentment and prejudice, both within and outside of families. These complications and how to handle them are appropriate topics for conversations. Reaching out to a couple who have encountered judgmental disdain and unkindness might be helpful.

Values and preferences are worth uncovering. I treated a man who worked as a music teacher. His new wife taught English.

It wasn’t long after their marriage that they came to an impasse. He wanted to attend concerts, while she favored theater. The lady did agree to hear live music but never enjoyed it. The man appreciated theater and never complained unless the play was poorly done.

The fellow told me this:

What am I supposed to do, Doc? If I ask her to join me, she wants to know if she will like it. If I say ‘yes,’ then she complains after. If I say ‘no,’ she replies, ‘Then why are we going?’

There are infinite questions, and I’ve touched on only a few of them. Many go with their gut instead, but remember you can be swept away in love’s early stages. Later, in a more sober period of your twosome, you realize who you are attached to.

Perhaps the biggest question is whether the one you care for knows you and if he sees you. Can you look past the honeymoon phase to his essence, just as he recognizes your own?

If there is a mutual understanding between souls who care for each other, much happiness is possible.

May you have every good wish.

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The two paintings above share the same name: The Happy Lovers. The first is by Jean-Honore Fragonard, while the second is the work of Gustav Courbet, 1844. Both are sourced from Wikart.org/

 

June 2, 2024

When You Can’t Admit the Relationship is Over

Ending relationships is no fun, but humor sometimes creates the insight needed to do so.

The therapist must be careful before entering the laughter zone, however. Time, trust, and compatibility are essential. First, the time it takes to build the individual’s confidence and comfort. Second, the counselor must have joked more than once. The doctor and client should enjoy each other’s company and have a firm, enduring relationship history, including the comic side of life.

The psychologist provides something close to indirect advice in the example below. The therapist’s timing and capacity to make his client laugh will diminish the sense that he is giving instructions to be followed.

The following encounter occurred more than once in the course of my practice:

The woman had been in treatment for some time. She had tried to persuade her lover to show less mean-spiritedness and more concern for her needs. Nothing worked despite repeated attempts. In the course of her office visits, I asked about the effectiveness of her efforts. My question, “What does that cost you?” was not new to her.

Frustrated with her boyfriend, this charming lady was not ready to leave him. One day, well into treatment, she began recounting yet another episode of disappointment. My response was unfamiliar.

“Dr Stein, is there anything else I can do to get him to respond to me in the way I’d like?”

A pregnant and thoughtful pause ensued.

I don’t think they make mallets that big.

An enormous laugh exploded into the room.

That line is not the only one I used to deliver a similar message. My female partner in our psychotherapy practice suggested a different one:

Get off the cross, we need the wood!

Between the possible risk of giving religious offense to the client and the implication he or she was whining, I rarely used the latter comment. Nonetheless, my partner assured me the patient’s response was the same whichever of these statements was made.

When the laughter died away, the client shifted to a pensive mood. “Yeah, I know you are right,” was the characteristic, sober, regretful response. It wasn’t unusual for the woman to begin to reflect on the history of her relationship and all the attempts she had made to recreate it. Pondering how to untie the connection to her boyfriend often ensued, though not always in the same session. Her thoughts, not mine.

This blog post does not guarantee hilarity or a turning point in the client’s life, but none of my patients became resentful or defensive upon hearing either punch line.

No one ever found a mallet and used it on the fellow they talked about or me. Nor do I believe a license is required to carry it. One word of advice, however: Be sure you don’t get a hernia when you lift the thing.

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The top image is called “The W-ST-T Just-asses a Braying-or-the Downfall of the E. O. Table” by James Gillray, 1782. The photo below it is Utah Moonset, 2024, by the wonderful Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

March 17, 2024

Questions to Ask Your Future Spouse

When I treated a new couple, I asked what first drew them together. The answer was almost always the same. “She/he was hot, and we had a lot of fun.”

I don’t doubt the truth of what they said. Considering my personal experience, I could have responded with something similar. Still, I can recall those I fell in love with offered more than beauty and laughter; they displayed intelligence, wit, kindness, and devotion.

Let’s remember, however, that the couples I treated came to my office because of their unhappiness. Whatever the value of their sexual magnetism and the fun they enjoyed, those qualities didn’t guarantee bliss. That’s why they sought my services.

What had they missed? The pair often lacked sufficient knowledge of each other before formalizing their partnership. Here are 15 questions offering a chance to recognize flashing red lights before you move in together, share your income, have a child, or get married.

Change pronouns as needed to fit the relevant gender. In each case, you are trying to find out more about your significant other:

  1. What was your companion’s experience growing up? The answer should include parent and sibling relationships, forms of punishment, any abuse, school challenges, changes in residence, financial status, disturbed caretakers, addiction issues, and more. (If you find out the individual has little memory of early life, she may be suffering from the repression of traumatic experiences).
  2. Meet the other’s parents, siblings, and children. While you might be preoccupied with making your own favorable impression, you can learn much about how you will fit into the world of your in-laws and how they treat your future spouse.
  3. Uncover what gives the beloved joy.
  4. Do you and your significant other share interests beyond sex and fun?
  5. If allowed to repeat the best moment of her life, what would the loved one describe and why?
  6. Did the sweetheart ever visit a counselor, and what spurred her to seek therapy?
  7. Is your darling now dealing with addiction, and what is her history of alcohol and substance use?
  8. Does the lady have friends? If not, why not? Are they close and long-standing? Can you meet them?
  9. How does your dearest approach the importance and management of money? Are you in sync with her thoughts?
  10. What hopes do the two of you share? Do you both imagine having kids? How many? When?
  11. What are the other’s life goals? Are your pursuits compatible?
  12. What are this woman’s politics? How will you get along if you are not like-minded?
  13. The same questions should be asked about religion and its practice. What faith, if any, would the children be raised in?
  14. Does your lover expect you to make her happy and solve all her problems? (No one can take on this burden for another and hope to bear the weight of it).
  15. Learn about your partner’s relationship history, including the most significant people. Why did these romances fail?

Be prepared to probe yourself in addition to your potential soulmate. Self-reflection is recommended even if you are celibate for the time being. It is best to know yourself.

If you believe some of the information above is worth pursuing, avoid appearing to be a prosecuting attorney performing a cross-examination.

Before asking too much, get permission, but don’t ignore the need to understand the one you care for. Consider the troubles that follow if you enter a relationship on Cloud 9 and lack a parachute when uncomfortable information reveals itself.

Of course, there are more possible questions than those I’ve listed, and you might obtain some of the answers in casual conversation.

Beware if you say to yourself, “I already know her well, and she would never mislead or harm me.” Approximately 40% to 50% of first marriages in the USA end in divorce. In the case of second marriages, 60% to 67% come to the same unhappy conclusion.

It is easy to dismiss the above because you believe, “Oh, that won’t happen to me?”

Would you bet the best years of your life on it?

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The top image is from an Engagement Photo Session by Arash Hashemi, sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

February 18, 2024

Marital Games and Other Games of Life

“There are at least two kinds of games,” writes James P. Carse. “One could be called finite; the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”

Continuing the play? Yes, like the marriage envisioned by a couple on the day of the ceremony. Educating yourself is similar since it is expected to continue until the end of your days.

The finite games feature fixed rules and known players. The encounter comes to a defined end in which a person or a team wins. Examples Olympic athletes, election winners, or defeating the bad guys in a war.

Some games include various features. Your company wants to make more money than its competitors (a finite target), but the rules of how they do that are flexible. The freedom to develop new products reveals the absence of confining limitations. The game can last as long as the business survives.

A finite game tends to be public or have an audience. Infinite games are often more private. As in the case of learning new things, no challenger is required. Self-fulfillment is all that counts.

If you wish to become the wealthiest man on your block, you can be said to have created a hybrid type of contest, perhaps in your own mind alone. 

You might achieve a temporary triumph by purchasing a grand, spacious, custom-built home. Ask yourself, however, whether this would offer the lasting joy of a lifelong love of a spouse or dear friends. Does a house in some personalized competition give you the sustenance of a profound religious faith?

 
Your conduct in daily life, displaying kindness to your neighbors, and trying to establish decent and fulfilling relationships might also be considered an infinite game.

Other infinite games include raising a child in a satisfying lifelong bond that transforms itself as the youth learns, grows, and becomes an adult. For this arrangement to flourish, there can be no winners or losers.

Both parties in the parent-child pair must modify themselves, adapting to each other and being considerate and loving as they grow and age. Victory is not the goal. Maintaining affection is. 

Doing so enables the relationship to continue even as it develops new versions of itself. It begins with the mom and dad serving as caretakers of the baby, sometimes ending when the roles are reversed. Ideally, those changes fit the evolving nature of each one’s human qualities.

At their best, infinite games between two people are transformative. The best of them allow the parties to learn more about the other, trust more, find ways to recover from differences, learn to apologize, show generosity, negotiate, and understand their partner as the individual wishes to be understood.

An infinite game’s lack of rules is inherently flexible but needn’t always be respected. 

If you come to a marriage in which the man’s way is dominant, the husband’s intention is to have power over the other. You might say he has established a finite game and set the conditions to suit himself. 

Such a set of circumstances has been founded within what might have been an infinite setting.

Even if his partner agrees, time may alter her wish to live by her husband’s regulations. Instead, she might try to transform the game, which will require abandoning the behavior specified when the couple began their life together.

 
To the extent that we live in a complex society encompassing multiple endeavors, almost all of us participate in both finite and infinite games, in addition to others.
 
Musicians in a string quartet are among those others. They are employed in a hybrid endeavor, still governed by unchanging rules but with a loftier objective than accumulating wealth.

How is it like an infinite game? 

Suppose you ask string quartet players of long-standing. 

They often liken the group to a marriage, where the musical interpretation is created by the ideas and differences among the two violinists, violist, and cellist. They must get along, meld, adapt, and grow their musical intelligence. The four also travel together on tour.

The only winners are the composer and the audience.

 
One of the questions we are left with is how much of ourselves do we throw into the games we play? What are our priorities and goals? If we have a family, will long hours on the job take one away from creating and maintaining the infinite game relationships back home?

Of course, one must make a living to fulfill their needs, as well.

In playing music, raising a family, working on a marriage, or fostering a charity, I’d like to think there is something more elevated than making stacks of dollar bills we will never spend if we become rich enough. 

It is your turn to create the answer we are all searching for: how shall I live without gaming myself?

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Each of the photographs was sourced from Wikimedia Commons. In order, they are:

Snowboard  Figure at the 2008 Shakedown, by A. Carpentier, Chess Openings by Joansala, Baseball Positions by PhoenixV,  and the Allegra Quartet by Biljdorp23.
September 17, 2023

Rarely Mentioned Marital Mistakes

The unexpected things a patient says in therapy change the counselor’s understanding of why his client chose partner A instead of B.

We usually think desire is fueled by physical attraction, the wish to be cared for, a sense of humor, strength of character, and emotional or financial security. Having children, too. There are more motives, but I will add three you might not have considered.

1. Feeling Sorry for the Other:

Several women said they married because they felt sorry for the potential mate. The sorrow might have been due to illness on one side or emotional torment on another. The second wife of George Orwell gave in to her ambivalence about the author of 1984 because of his desperate sickness, for example.

Some of the ladies in question perceived their future husband as socially clumsy and gave in to his proposal because of his childlike nature — his lack of finesse and awareness of quite what to say or do. He seemed earnest but not suave, or perhaps unsophisticated and innocent.

According to Mari Ruti, the late feminist philosopher, society conveys the message that a woman’s job is to adapt to and repair a man. She is expected to be empathic, work around his flaws, and fill the relationship’s empty or broken spaces.

This “cruel optimism” too often leaves a wife taking the blame for what her husband lacks or what remains difficult to tolerate and manage as a couple. Ruti suggests the result will not only be the woman’s self-blame and sense of failure but a waste of years when her assessment of what is possible is too hopeful. The emotional drain on her robs life of its possibilities.

2. Persistence:

Some men will not let go. They are tireless. Female patients often told me they were not attracted to their future spouses when they first met. With time, his display of kindness, generosity, intellect, sensitivity to her vulnerability, and decency convinced them of what had been missed on first acquaintance.

A less desirable outcome also exists. The excellent, hidden characteristics noted above do not always appear. Instead, the fellow wears down the woman’s ability to resist because of insensitivity, bullying, or controlling qualities. She might also persuade herself that time will remedy the difficulties.

If she is tired of dating, hears her biological clock ticking off its remaining seconds, and can think of no other desirable man she has recently encountered, the white flag of surrender might be raised.

3. Searching for the Opposite: 

Many single individuals create a list of qualities they seek in a relationship. It sometimes happens, however, that the most essential quality determining their choice is the unhappiness they experienced in a past relationship. In addition to avoidance of a similar person, the searcher may hope to stay away from anyone with traits identical to a parent.

Imagine a former abusive lover. Of course, one wishes to avoid one more. But will the choice of someone different yield an individual who is weak, too deferential, without the capacity to assert himself, or the expectation that his partner will provide most of the strength of character for them to take on the world?

Looking for the opposite isn’t limited to unkindness of a physical or verbal kind. If your father could not financially support his family, seeking someone preoccupied with making money but otherwise emotionally unavailable generates a different type of problem.

Imagine a former partner who had no religious faith and ridiculed your own. If this issue dominates your exploration for someone else, your new romantic interest could be more extreme in his attachment to his faith than you are.

I also heard more than a few who told me their dad was lazy. The result was marriage to a person who ate work for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After that, the one who sought someone different than the father was consumed by loneliness.

Since no one has complete self-awareness, choosing a lover is complicated. Finding a well-matched partner when the unconscious casts a secret ballot makes the task even more difficult. Then, of course, there are hormones to consider and passion that sweeps away all doubts about the choice.

None of the above is intended to discourage you from enchantment, fulfillment of desire, or the comfort of one who understands you and whose thoughtfulness and loyalty are priceless. Instead, consider this essay a reminder of the need to look inside yourself and observe caution to the extent possible.

As the Knight Templar in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said, “Choose wisely.”

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The above images are all the work of Giuseppe Arcimboldo and are sourced from Wikiart.org/ They represent three of the four seasons: Spring, Summer, and Winter.

May 14, 2023

Of Love, Hate and the Love-filled Joy of Children

My grandson got married, but I wasn’t invited.

Amazing, isn’t it? All I did was show him love and buy him things. OK, he just turned four years old, and his parents weren’t invited either. Nor, from what I hear, were the parents of the bride.

I’ve seen photos of him holding hands with his “wife,” even in preschool.

Shameless!

Who knows what they do when no one is around?

But if this is how love starts, I approve. Fill your hearts full, children, because life will drain them, too — then, with luck, refill them again. Kind of like going to the gas or petrol station.

As to anger, let me say a little about that.

Anger is like a multi-blade knife with blades sharpened to a keen edge, mindless of who it cuts and capable of slicing both ways.

Where does such intense dislike come from?

First comes love, then rejection, then reaction to the dismissal from the life of another. A whisper saying you’re fired, no matter how delicate the voice.

Or, perhaps the starting point of antagonism is a failure to win respect, approval, and acknowledgment. Loathing can grow from the absence of caring parents or the simple difficulty of achieving success, however you define it.

Therapists have all heard the conventional wisdom that depression is anger turned inward. Don’t forget, however, that anger can result from disappointment in life turned outward.

We live in a competitive world, including competition for mates. Someday these two kids will seek consolation for a broken heart.

Someone will say, “Oh, you are better off without him,” or “He isn’t right for you,” but such statements rarely console.

Neither do they provide solace when the words are, “Oh, you are better off without that job — it wasn’t right for you.” Of course, both the young ones are far from the job market.

As we witness a world with more than its share of anger beyond romantic and professional disappointment, many of us are triggered by something less tender than lost love.

Some feel displaced from their spot in the world, their previous role as a worthy breadwinner, or as a person known for giving good advice and helping a neighbor fix his car.

Populist politicians and their allies play on this sense of injury, fomenting anger upon anger like a giant test tube full of bile with daily inflammatory statements, addictive but strangely validating.

Yeah! He gets it. It’s not my fault. I’ve been screwed! It’s THOSE people. They don’t look like us, don’t believe in our god, and steal our birthright.

My grandson and the love of his life don’t know about any of this. They only know about respect, affection, friends, and toys. Maybe an occasional “enemy,” meaning a minor league bully or two, but nothing serious.

We all want love, don’t we? We all hope for applause, a job that pays well enough, status, and an appreciative mate. We all hope to be well thought of, praised, and admired by those to whom we are close. 

In a different world perhaps this wouldn’t be much to ask for, but these days we are too often replacement parts that have been replaced.

Confronting a sense of disappointment in life, too many hunger to pay back those they think are responsible. They only need a model and some encouragement. When all the guys are whining, somehow whining is OK, not as shameful as it used to be.

Still, we search for someone loveable. If politics enters that pursuit, it can be contaminated by opinions that tend to be unloving.

We are not as companionable as we were a few years back. Now we grind our teeth or laugh at the ones “ruining” our country, whoever they are, however preposterous the claim.

We lack the innocence of my grandson and his companion. Indeed, when she was ill and away from school for a week, he missed her and worried about her, dear boy.

Lucky for them, they are not on the internet, an occasionally monstrous place. Many of our interactions with fellow humans come electronically, where plenty of anonymous hatred can be found.

Despite all its wonders, metaphorical bombs are easily thrown by those who are literally out of sight.

If one imbibes the toxic message of anger now widely distributed, I doubt one will become more tender or charming. The four-year-olds have innate wisdom and sweetness, qualities not characteristic of those addicted to TV’s political anger-fests.

Nor will the Rageaholics have much reason to approach those of different races, nationalities, ethnicities, or religions, perhaps even those who pray to no god.

Trust me — one of them might be “the one.” Or, at least, a friend not so different from you as you thought.

We live in a time of loneliness, the anonymity of cities, and the solitary pursuit of “being your own person,” however worthwhile that may be.

Though the small ones don’t know it yet, the time of our lives walks and whistles quickly past the clock, especially if one desires to be loved.

Companionship begins with a decision to pursue it, knowing armorless vulnerability places the heart at risk. The kids haven’t learned that yet, either.

Bless them.

The second decision is this one, made by a wise man over 2500 years ago:

I don’t have time to hate people who hate me because I am too busy loving people who love me.*

An ancient Chinese man said this, but the kids I’m talking about live it.

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*Laozi, also known as Lau Tzu (the “Old Master”) born in 604 B.C.

The first image is a 1957 photo of Two Children Holding Hands by Irvin Peithman, sourced from Wikiart.com. 

May 7, 2023

When There is Nothing More to Say to Your Lover

At a certain point, there is nothing more to say. You can repeat yourself, of course, but if you have not been heard the first thousand times, the next 250 probably won’t matter anyway.

They will grind up your insides and do the same to the one who is tired of your pleas, complaints, and sadness. The logic and reasons you spray at him are like the water in a hose over grass already drenched, changing nothing.

You live together. That’s the sad thing. You are touch starved amid thousands of opportunities for touch. You used to try. Now you’ve given up, but still, the topic arises. The one you are with doesn’t listen but interrupts while you ask why. He gives no answers and doesn’t seem to have them.

He looks at you, hears you, and has no idea what you are talking about.

The man lives in a world of books and television, work and buddies, small bets on football, and hobbies. The rest of the world, the life you shared, the youthful passion — all that was — is unremembered and unthought. Oh yeah, it was like that, wasn’t it? It all happened in the time of cavemen, a now-distant epoch that seems to have vanished. I’m not a caveman, he says. Is that who you want? Uhhhh…

But he’s an excellent provider; there’s that. And a swell father and you do your part more than ever. Taking care of the social end of the family, helping with homework, and much more.

Does that matter, or is it assumed, you wonder? He never says.

Your integrity falls into the category of qualities taken for granted. You would never cheat anyone, never lie, never be unfaithful. You are honorable, though sometimes unkind when the frustration and loneliness, the craving can’t be ignored.

He won’t go to marital therapy. His life satisfies him.

Sometimes you feel like a male honey bee — very strange since you are female. But the male — the drone — mates and then dies. At times you sense you are dying inside.

How was it for you? You asked the insect. You wanted to know.

Let’s just say we drones mate once for less than five seconds. Heard enough?

The tiny fellow expired before he could say more.

Yet you love him, the man in your life, and know he loves you — in his way. You have grown out of sync.

Was Tolstoy right when he wrote about families in Anna Karenina?

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Nobody’s fault. It’s nobody’s fault, you tell yourself. I shouldn’t complain, you say; look at all that is fine. But, just to check things out, you speak to your dearest friend. 

For the first time, to anyone.

You want her assurance that your life is good, even though there are things it lacks in the department of the heart. So you speak, and when you finish…

You: Everything is ok, right?

(Silence).

Right?

(More silence).

RIGHT?

More silence, then…

AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Both paintings are works of Joan (pronounced Juan) Miro. The first is The Escape Ladder (1940). The second is  Persons Haunted by a Bird (1938).