wisdom

June 20, 2013

The Seeds of Charity: The Story of the High Potentate

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Accidents are not always bad. The word that captures that unexpected good fortune is serendipity. It is “the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way,” so says the online dictionary at Google.

My friends and I, a group called the Zeolites, know that experience very well. We came from homes where the idea of charity — giving a hard-won dollar to someone else — was almost unimaginable. But thanks to a sequence of serendipitous events, we learned not just how to donate a single dollar, but over $180,000.

There was no excess money in our childhood homes. And, if you did happen to have a few coins left over, better to save them for rainy days like those that our folks had lived through during the Great Depression of the 1930s — and that they told us might come again. Had there been a sign in my boyhood residence, it might have read:

“Charity Begins at Home? Probably Not There or Anywhere Else”

The video/story of how we came to be accidental philanthropists always brings a smile. It documents an adventure that started in a high school cafeteria 50 years ago. One that began with one person: our buddy Ron Ableman and a meeting he suggested 37 years in advance.

Take a look:

The Story of the High Potentate of the Zeolites.

—

This beautifully crafted video is the work of Michael G. Kaplan, for which the Zeolite Scholarship Committee is most grateful. One more example of our good fortune. Pictured above are, from left, Ron Ableman, the High Potentate of the Zeolites, and Dr. Neil Rosen at the Zeolite Scholarship Ceremony, May 3, 2013, in Mather High School, Chicago, Illinois. For the High Potentate’s response to the above, please go to:

The High Potentate’s Response.

June 13, 2013

Two Life Lessons From Dale Clevenger

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There are people who have traveled great distances to spend an afternoon with Dale Clevenger, but since he lives in a nearby Chicago suburb, I didn’t have to. Those who journeyed thousands of miles are musicians who dreamed of the chance to be coached by the world-famous solo French Horn player of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra (CSO). Most of them wanted to improve their technique on that fiendishly difficult instrument. Most of them hoped to heighten their musicianship, elevate their art in performance.

I don’t play the horn, but in the course of recording Dale Clevenger’s oral history for the CSO, I received some lessons, too.

Not about music, but about life. About the beginnings and the ends of things. About the way careers in any field are started; and how they finish.

The first had to do with auditions. And also the need for perseverance despite repeated rejection.

If you are a musician, an audition can feel as though you are on stage naked in front of a small group of listeners who will decide whether you have “the chops:” the ability to make music at the highest possible level. But if you aren’t a musician, you probably still have had something close to this experience: giving an oral report in school, sitting for an oral defense of your masters thesis or dissertation, giving a speech; or perhaps simply going for a job interview or asking someone on a date.

Clevenger had significant successes before he came to the CSO. He played in the Kansas City Philharmonic, the Radio City Music Hall Orchestra in New York, and the American Symphony under Leopold Stokowski (the conductor Disney captured on film in Fantasia). He toured Europe with the Pittsburgh Symphony and recorded the Shostakovich Symphony #7 with the New York Philharmonic under Leonard Bernstein.

While a member of the American Symphony, at age 22, a big chance came: an opening in the world-renowned Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, several steps above any of the ensembles with which he had previously worked full-time. The Berlin band was in New York on tour, performing in Carnegie Hall. And when he walked on stage for the audition, he performed not for a small group of listeners, but for the entire orchestra, as well as its storied music director, Herbert von Karajan.

Dale Clevenger: “I played for about 20 minutes. That’s a long audition.”

Gerald Stein: “And I would think, an intimidating one, too. That is, if one were inclined to be intimidated.”

Dale Clevenger: “That’s the key. I wanted to show them what I could do. I was not worried too much about intimidation.”

When the audition was over, Herbert von Karajan told the young performer that he played “very well,” but that he didn’t match “the tone” of the Berlin horn section; in effect, didn’t fit their sound. “But,” said Karajan, “you will have a fine job one day.”

Karajan was right. In January, 1966, Clevenger would win the competition to become the Principal Horn player of the Chicago Symphony. But not before failing to become a permanent member of the orchestras in New Orleans, Dallas, the New York Philharmonic, Pittsburgh, the Metropolitan Opera, and even his first try at the CSO in 1965.

I asked him how one deals with those kinds of defeats. He then proceeded to tell me about a Boston Symphony horn player who had only gotten that job on his 48th professional audition:

Dale Clevenger: “How do you stick it out? How do you do that? Would I have done that? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. There are a lot of people who play five to 15 auditions (before they win a big one). I played 9 or 10. It didn’t affect my ego. You just keep going. (For example), how can an actor be an actor unless he is used to the failure to get jobs? It’s not possible. You have to try to find the positive in that situation.”

Not to mention lots of practice to keep improving.

In the course of our long conversation, I also talked to the virtuoso about his coming departure from the CSO. And, he told me that he’d written a farewell letter to his colleagues. We’d arrived at a the second life lesson — about gratitude and saying goodbye.

If there is a more graceful way to leave the stage, I don’t know it; especially his quotation of a line from the vocal text of Mahler’s 8th Symphony, borrowed by Mahler from Goethe, which is perhaps the best description I’ve ever heard applied to a life devoted to recreating that which is indescribable: the music of the great composers.

February 12, 2013

My dear friends and colleagues of the CSO,

One of the most euphoric days of my life was the day I was engaged to play solo horn in this great and classic orchestra. All of you know exactly that feeling. To quote Mahler in the 8th Symphony, “Das Unbeschreibliche, hier ist’s getan” (“What cannot be described with words, we have done”). I have been so fortunate for forty-eight seasons to do just that. It is with incredible bitter-sweetness, joy, and sorrow that I announce to you that at the end of June I plan to retire from this amazing Chicago Symphony Orchestra. I am the most fortunate and grateful musician ever to have played here, the elite of the elite of orchestras. This will end an amazing tenure, but retiring from music I am not. Indiana University has engaged me to be a Professor of Horn starting August 1, 2013.

You are truly some of the finest musicians on the planet. To have had the pleasure and privilege of making music and sharing the stage with you in thousands of concerts is a sweet memory I shall cherish to my grave. Please, I encourage you all to do everything possible in your power the keep my Chicago Symphony Orchestra “the best of the best!”

A very heart-felt thank you for these wonderful years,

Dale

Wonderful years, too, for those of us who just listened. Thank you, Dale. And thanks for the lessons.

June 8, 2013

On Being an Outsider

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In a world where being “in the majority” is so important, lots of people feel themselves to be outsiders in one way or another. Rather ironic. Perhaps it is due to the simple fact of being alone in our own skin, fully conscious only of what is going on in our own head.

It would seem that nearly everyone can claim some sort of “minority” status. Starting with the most recognized minorities, one thinks of ethnic and national groups as well as those defined by religion and sexual orientation. Then come the left-handers, the very short, the very tall, the old, the redheads, tambourine players, the celibate, people with cancer, those with learning disabilities, vegetarians, intellectuals — I could go on.

Still others find that their interests or opinions do not fit into the mainstream. Are you a “shape note” singer? That would make you a minority. Do you listen to opera? Same answer, especially if you don’t listen to much else. Are you a Republican who lives in a community of Democrats, or a Democrat who lives in Chicago’s politically conservative western suburbs? A sense of marginalization would pretty much be guaranteed.

Those who do best with their marginalization look for a like-minded group of people, perhaps moving to a more congenial community. If you are a Democrat living in DuPage County, Illinois, this might mean moving to Chicago or a suburb like Evanston.  Or, it could mean searching out others in DuPage County who are also Democrats.

If you are an opera-lover, on the other hand, moving to a different suburb is not likely to put you into immediate contact with tons of similarly inclined fans of Mozart, Rossini, and Wagner. But, attending the opera, taking courses on that subject, and participating in opera “newsgroups” on the internet might move you in the direction of more familiarity with those who share your passion. Moreover, if you are persuasive, you can try to capture acquaintances with your own enthusiasm, exposing them to some of the music you like. Conversions do happen.

"Fugue" by Kandinsky, 1914

“Fugue” by Kandinsky, 1914

The experience of being marginalized usually doesn’t feel good. Human nature appears to include an inborn desire to affiliate, to feel a part of something bigger than we are — “to belong” to a group that accepts us. When that does not happen we tend to feel shut down and shut out, watching the parade of life pass us by at a distance without even a nod or a wave in our direction. As Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his brother Theo in 1880:

Many a man has a bonfire in his heart and nobody comes to warm himself at it. The passers-by notice only a little smoke from the chimney, and go their way…

Self-portrait, Van Gogh, 1887

Self-portrait, Van Gogh, 1887

In a world where acceptance seems to require rooting passionately for the home sports team, listening to whatever music is at the top of the charts, wearing clothes that are thought to be fashionable, spending lots of time mindlessly surfing the net, and keeping up with popular movies and TV shows, a disinterest in such topics and activities can make it harder to connect with others and feel a part of things.

If TV “events” turn you off and if shopping isn’t the most exciting part of your life, perhaps you are more interesting than most. It takes at least some strength of character to unashamedly proclaim a set of proclivities, beliefs, or hobbies at odds with the masses.

To my way of thinking, the most captivating people are those who have novel ideas or a different slant on life, the men and women from whom one can learn something new. For example, great artists, composers, and writers are, by definition, different. Who else but Pablo Picasso could have painted Guernica (the top image), his anti-war response to the bombing of the Basque town, Guernica, during the Spanish Civil War in 1937?

Great painters, sculptors, composers, and authors see the world in a unique and enlightening, often revelatory way that tends to marginalize them, set them apart from the rest of us. Others cannot imagine the world as those masters do — see it through the lens of their special perception and transformational talent — however much they might admire their artistic product. Creative geniuses are not simply “Joe and Jane Six-Pack,” who are neither very individual or exciting, even though they might be good and decent people.

Perhaps those brave souls, the great creative minds of history, can serve as a guide to making the most of whatever sets us at distance from our fellow-man. Have courage. Are there people out there who would be excited to know what you think and how you feel, even if you are not Picasso or Shakespeare or Beethoven? You cannot find out by hiding your uniqueness behind a rock.

The anonymity of fitting in with the masses may be comfortable, but it doesn’t contribute much to the world; or, quite frankly, to an interesting life.

Marginalized? It could say some good things about you.

Marginalized?

Perhaps you needn’t be.

—

June 1, 2013

The Work-Life Balancing Act*

256px-Adi_Holzer_Tightrope Walking

Do you “live to work” or do you “work to live?”

Psychologists call for balance between your work and your “life,” but this is like a tightrope walk on a high wire. We struggle to give equal honor to personal industry as well as friends, family, and recreation. We strain to avoid a big fall.

Goldilocks might have said that we are looking for the kind of combination of work and life that is neither too hot nor too cold, but “just right.” Once it is found, even the best of us have to adjust to keep that tenuous balance, to pull back from “too much” or “too little” so that we can get to the point of “just right” for a bit of time, before we again lose our balance and recalibrate.

We serve different masters in the office and outside of it, one to the right and one to the left, both pulling at us for attention. Thus, the first lesson to achieving equilibrium is to realize that it will be a challenge for as long as we are employed, requiring regular monitoring and refinement.

The dangers implicit in work are clear at each extreme. If you stress too much over your job — work too hard at it — you will be burned-out or burned up; unable to sleep well, anxious and depressed.

In some circumstances, of course, you don’t have a choice. But few people on the death-bed have been heard to say, “You know, I should have spent more time in the office.” Still, care too little about your vocation and you risk being unproductive, bored, boring, and adrift; dependent upon others and struggling with unhappiness.

Before you can begin to rejigger your work-life tension, it might be useful to think about what work means to you. It probably has more than one of these meanings:

  1. You work because you need to make a living.
  2. You work because you want to create jobs for others.
  3. You work because you enjoy the act of working itself, not the product of the work.
  4. You work because you relish the learning (how to understand or do new things) that comes from work.
  5. You work because you hanker for competition (with coworkers or other companies).
  6. You work because you want to achieve recognition and/or wealth.
  7. You work because you hope to create something (a better mouse trap, a scientific discovery, a masterpiece of art, etc.).
  8. You work because you wish to attract a mate (who will be drawn to your competence, your ability to make a living, or your status).
  9. You work to improve your self-esteem.
  10. You work to pass the time and avoid sinking into negative (anxious or depressed) feelings when not otherwise occupied.
  11. You work to make the world a better place.
  12. You work to “find yourself,” as suggested by the protagonist, Charles Marlow, in Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness:

No, I don’t like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don’t like work — no man does — but I like what it is in the work — the chance to find yourself. Your own reality — for yourself, not for others — what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.

Sisyphus mural_russia_03

Some of these valuations hold risk. If you only work to make a living (which is certainly a necessary goal) you are in greater danger of being bored (or frankly hating what you do) than if you are looking for something that captures more than money. If you labor to create jobs (for your kids or strangers) that responsibility can be a burden and, in the former case, can even rob your offspring of the initiative to make their own way. If you work to better your children’s lives, but neglect them because of your work, you might well defeat the project that motivated you in the first place.

One more peril occurs when you see your job placement as just one step up a never-ending ladder toward higher status or money. This trip to the top is usually called the “rat race” and you are in danger of turning yourself into a rat in order to get ahead, only to discover that paycheck doesn’t buy as much happiness as you expect it to. Or perhaps you do it for “show,” to get others to admire you. But, if you are very concerned with what friends and neighbors think about you, consider these words of Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher, in his Meditations:

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

If you love the work itself you are a lucky duck. If you lose yourself in the process of making the task-oriented effort, unconscious of the passage of time because of your absorbing focus, you may even attain the joyous frame of mind called “flow.” Flow is the word given by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi to the state that athletes call “being in the zone.” But, you needn’t be a sports hero to get there. It happens whenever you are fully engaged and single-mindedly immersed in the job at hand, generating both a peak in your performance and a state of positive emotion.

We_Can_Do_It!

How important is work according to the experts? Freud thought that “love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” But, while work can drive you crazy, work failures might not be as devastating as you think. Daniel Gilbert and colleagues found just that in an experiment published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1998.

The authors looked at how happiness might be affected by work disappointment. Specifically, they studied assistant professors at the University of Texas at Austin who either succeeded in getting tenure (a promotion that guarantees a permanent position) or failed to get it (which usually means you have to leave for a different college or a different line of work).

Measures of happiness taken over a period of 10 years after the tenure determination indicated that “the outcome of the tenure decision did not have a dramatic and robust influence on (the) general happiness (of the teachers).” The researchers concluded that we commonly ignore our emotional resilience and durability when we think about life’s disappointments, something that they called “immune neglect:” a failure to recognize our own psychological capacity for immunity from long-lasting devastation following events such as the temporary professional disappointment that the unlucky assistant professors experienced.

In my own working life, I honored the desire to make a good living, but also had the good fortune to achieve a “flow” state at least some of the time because of my pleasure and involvement in the therapy process. Nonetheless, the work vied with the importance of “being there” for my wife and kids.

When I erred, it was surely to work too much, even if I never missed a school event or conference. Which meant that I heard way too many performances of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” played by dozens — no hundreds — no thousands, of little out-of-tune violinists at my children’s school concerts! At least that is the way it felt. But, it was all in a vital cause.

I also tried to hold two ideas in my mind simultaneously:

  1. That the work of being a therapist was good, important, and rewarding. My patients deserved my best efforts.
  2. That, in the big picture, the world would go on without me and that I would not be remembered alongside of Freud and B.F. Skinner. In other words, I was replaceable, regardless of how well I did my work and how much I might have helped some people. That attitude saved me from reaching for something too grand and self-important — from driving myself even harder than I did. It also allowed me to feel a sense of accomplishment for what I could do for others, rather than what I couldn’t do in the realm of greatness.

I’ll grant you that holding these two ideas simultaneously is difficult. Whatever your line of work, you have to give it some significance to do it justice. You only get out of it what you put into it, as the old saying goes. But, if you make it a matter of life and death — well — you are probably going to die a lot; meaning you will not live very well or happily.

My advice would be to look for work that is satisfying in the act of doing it; that is, a process that just might get you to the “flow” state. Work should also fulfill the basic need to make a living and, ideally, command at least a little respect in the world. To my mind, subsistence is most important, keeping yourself interested is pretty important, status and wealth are less important. As for glory and immortality? Forget about them in favor of some balance, if your boss will allow it.

Unfortunately, having a good work-life balance is — well — a lot of hard work!

—

*This essay is not meant to dismiss the very real and desperately important work of child rearing, but rather to look at conventional employment for which you are paid as compared to the part of life that doesn’t reward you with a paycheck.

The first image is called Life is Like Tightrope Walking by Adi Holzer, sourced from Wikimedia Commons. The second picture is a recent mural done by AEC and waone, which graces the side of a building in Ekatreinburg, Russia. It is called Sisyphus. Finally, We Can Do It is a wartime poster done in 1942 for the Westinghouse Corporation by J. Howard Miller.

May 26, 2013

What Would You Give For Your Heart’s Desire?

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt OSA211

What is precious to you? What do you want to get or to see or to do? What would you give for love, glory, money, or time?

Anything? Well, here is a little game to play. It won’t take long. Or, I should say, it will take no longer than you want it to.

What would you give for any item on this list? The form of payment is, in most cases, up to you. Perhaps you would beg or borrow or steal to get your heart’s desire. But the “payment” must be equal to the value that you assign to the thing you want.

Choose wisely!

  1. A ticket in the best possible location for your favorite team’s championship game.
  2. Being able to relive the best day of your life.
  3. A cure for cancer available to the whole world.
  4. A day in the body of the person you’d most like to be, with all the abilities of that person.
  5. One less year in your life with the guarantee that you would be the wealthiest individual on earth for all the remaining years.
  6. To be sexually irresistible to those you most desire.
  7. A change in the one physical feature you like least about yourself.
  8. World peace.
  9. The health of those you love.
  10. The love of the person from whom you most wish it, whether it be a romantic partner or a parent or a sibling or a child.
  11. Contentment. That is, perfect acceptance of whatever is your situation in life.
  12. Freedom from your conscience.
  13. A definitive answer as to whether heaven exists and what it consists of, if it does exist.
  14. Immortality (in this life) in a body that would never age beyond the age you wish.
  15. A chance to do one thing over — go back to that moment with all you now know and try again.
  16. The infallible insight as to whether people are telling the truth; to see through every deception, no matter how big or small. Tough Choice
  17. The ability to do one thing you can’t do any more.
  18. The gift of living in the moment.
  19. Fame.
  20. The ability to remember every second of every day of your life.
  21. The capacity to forget anything that you wish to set aside in your past.
  22. The talent to produce at least one masterpiece of art, music, or literature.
  23. Great recognition during your lifetime that will not endure after it ends; or recognition that will come only posthumously.
  24. To be the best possible parent.
  25. To have a job that you can’t wait to get to each morning; one that produces complete fulfillment in doing the work itself, not because of what you produce or the compensation or recognition you receive for it.
  26. To be the author of a great scientific discovery.
  27. A life that allows you to see all of the most beautiful places in the world.
  28. The gift of being a great teacher.
  29. Loyal and loving friends.
  30. A partner who provides you with the most sexually satisfying times imaginable for as long as you both live.
  31. The experience of living in a drug induced state of fantasy, such that you would have the imaginary experience of anything your mind could envision, even though none of it would be real.
  32. The knowledge, in the last possible moment of your life, that you have followed the path suggested in Micah 6:8: “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

As you might have noticed, some of these things may actually be available to you at no cost; other than effort and, perhaps, a bit of luck. But, many of them are mutually exclusive, as you’ve probably also observed: you can’t have them all.

Life is a little like a birthday card I’ve seen. On the front it shows a picture of a beautiful woman:

Beautiful-Woman-2048x2048

And then, a picture of a birthday cake. It reads something like this: “This is Edith and this is your cake. You have to choose one, because…”

256px-"_12_-_ITALY_-_birthday_cake_with_candles_4

“You can’t have your cake and Edith, too!”

—

The top painting is a detail from The Kiss by Gustav Klimt. The second image represents a Tough Choice; the third is a photo called Birthday Cake by Francesca Cesa Bianchi, Milan, 2002. The last of these was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

May 18, 2013

When Friendships Go Bad and How to Fix Them

ex-friends

Smooth sailing is always a temporary thing, even in friendship. However great is the joy of being with your best friend, there will come a time when things are not perfect. Your interests and his interests will almost inevitably collide; one will do something that disappoints the other.

I’ll begin by giving you some examples of the kinds of issues that make the water choppy. Then, I’ll point out a possible way back to a place of less turbulence and make some suggestions about how you might navigate there. Even if things do get stormy, surviving the torrent can sometimes strengthen the relationship.

THE PROBLEMS:

  • Sometimes you think of your relationship to your friend differently than he thinks of it. He may consider you simply a business associate, while you think he is someone closer and more important than that. This is rather like having a romance with someone who simply enjoys sex with you, but isn’t in love with you, even though you are in love with him. Once you figure this out, you will be disappointed.
  • The world is a busy place. Your friend probably has other friends and competing obligations. His spouse and children are likely to come first. You might get miffed, even jealous. As the old song goes, “Wedding Bells are Breaking Up That Old Gang of Mine.”
  • You can love your friend but dislike his new girlfriend or new wife. Even a new platonic friend of yours or his might complicate the ease of getting along.
  • Politics and religion are tricky. It is likely that you will be attracted to people who are like-minded on both of those characteristics. But, if one of you changes or tries to change, convert, or persuade the other too strenuously, God help you (pun intended)! I have a friend who has long found himself in the political and religious minority in the particular part of the country where he resides. He makes his way through the relationship thicket by keeping both his politics and his religion out of conversations with his long-time buddies. It works because his comrades have, at least tacitly, accepted this. And because he is satisfied to have relationships with these limitations.
  • Both you and your friend will change over time. You might enjoy playing and watching baseball less, he might enjoy it more. You might become more judgmental, he might become more accepting. For the friendship to survive comfortably, the changes will have to be compatible.
  • You friend may well turn out to be a less moral and upstanding person than you thought he was. Sometimes this isn’t really a change, but rather a growing awareness as you get to know him better. In any case, this could make you uncomfortable. Some people try to look for the best and look away from a friend’s moral failures. But, the most egregious of those flaws are not easily ignored, especially if it eventually turns out that it is not only someone else’s ox that your friend gores, but your own.

Before I go on with the problem list, let me tell you a story. The two men had been friends from age 14. That relationship had survived distance, when one of them moved 1000 miles away. It had survived time, about 13 years, not a lucky number as it turned out. Perhaps the back-breaking issue had to do with the wedding of one of them, which found the other being asked to be “best man,” only later demoted to a less distinguished position in the wedding party without an explanation that satisfied him.

There were other things, of course, and the fall-out from all of them left both parties unhappy, hurt, and aggravated. It took 10 years before they got back together.

One might say that the relationship never really ended even though it was suspended. Both missed the other. Indeed, it is said that it is hard to really hate someone you haven’t first loved. Hatred would be too strong a word for the animosity each one felt, but despite strong resentment, somehow each still valued qualities in the other that he discovered were irreplaceable: one person’s emotional generosity, the other’s serious approach to life; their shared memories, stimulating intellect, kindred spirits, and mutual interests.

The time away allowed them both to grow up, to understand more about the other’s grievances, to see themselves and their own errors more clearly, and to realize that the other was a kind of “second self:” someone who made life better and without whom (whatever his shortcomings) life would be worse. Their friendship restarted and was stronger for the pain that each of them suffered. More on how they reconciled in the section on solutions (below).

friendship dish

Back to the problems that can cause friendships to go bad:

  • Sometimes a change in life circumstances can create a stress on your relationship to your buddy. One of you might become fabulously successful and wealthy. Or perhaps, one of you has a number of reverses in life. We are all “hostages to fortune,” as Sir Francis Bacon said long ago. If your friend is having a tough time, your support is important. But, if his misery continues for years, the therapeutic slant to your new relationship might burden you and change the emotional tone of your time together; that is, change part of what initially brought you close. However much it would be honorable to continue to provide support, there are few friendships that would not be stressed and complicated by anything approaching this kind of relatively permanent alteration.
  • Friendships can be damaged when the two parties discover they are in competition with each other, whether for a woman, for a job, or for a trophy.
  • If you or your friend relocate or leave the place of employment at which you both work, the other may feel betrayed or abandoned. Yes, I know this isn’t “rational.” But feelings rarely are that.
  • Continuing on the subject of betrayal, a common source of friendship difficulties occurs when something told to the other “in confidence” gets leaked. Frequently there is a misunderstanding as to whether something is confidential or not. Other kinds of betrayals can happen, as well, particularly when a friend doesn’t stand up for you or takes the other side in a dispute.
  • Finally, friendships can sunder when one party feels that there is insufficient balance or reciprocity in the relationship. If friend #1 is always initiating the calling, texting, organizing of get-togethers, driving, giving the gifts, and picking up the dinner checks, the strain of imbalance and inequity can break the relationship. Similarly, friend #1 might come to feel “used;” that is, of value to friend #2 only when needed to do something, not for the sake of shared companionship.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS (NO GUARANTEES):

WHAT NOT TO DO:

  • Take a deep breath. Do not — I repeat — do not make an irate phone call in response to the offense. Indeed, the more you feel that you must react immediately, the more likely that you should wait until a time when you’ve cooled down a bit.
  • Consider other reasons for what your friend did or didn’t do. Don’t immediately assume the worst. There are, at least sometimes, perfectly acceptable explanations.
  • If your friend is with a woman you can’t stand, there isn’t an easy remedy. But, whatever you do, don’t go to your friend and start to criticize the woman he loves! You are in a weak position. If he has to make a choice between the two of you, he will almost certainly choose the person with whom he is having sex and having babies. You may have to accept the circumstances as they are. You might have to work hard to find something in her to like and do your best to make friends with her, especially if she is jealous of your relationship to your buddy. You might have to limit your time with the two of them together, and spend more time with your friend alone. Unfortunately, it is possible that she will try to prevent that.
  • Don’t try to solve this by writing, if at all possible. Absolutely don’t handle it via text messages. There are a thousand ways that your missive can be misunderstood, since it lacks tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions to help the other person understand you. In a world of immediate and impulsive full disclosure, there remain some things that must be done slowly and carefully. Find the time to have a face-to-face conversation that is long enough to settle things down. But even before that, consider the other items I’ve listed below.
  • Remember that you can’t make your friend love you, but you can make him dislike you. Don’t turn yourself into a scold: someone who complains harshly and regularly. No one wants to be around such a person.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT:

  • Now that your heart rate has slowed down a little, think about the history of your relationship to your friend. What attracted you initially? How has your friend shown you kindness or generosity? What would your life be without him? When did things start to go wrong? What have you done to make it better? What have you done that made it worse?
  • The list of solutions must begin with self-examination. We almost all see the other’s flaws more acutely than our own; and weigh our pain more heavily than that of anyone else, at least compared to the other party in a grievance.
  • Who is your buddy, anyway? What motivates him? Is he a good person, or perhaps have you misunderstood who you have been dealing with? Is he even aware of your hurt feelings? Have you expected him to read your mind? Even therapists are poor at that. It is possible that he doesn’t know the extent of your unhappiness, hurt, and/or anger.
  • How important is your friend is to you? Would you miss him if you dumped him? Would he be easily replaced? Are there still significant qualities that you like about him? In the example I gave above, the friends in question both realized that they didn’t want to be without each other, even if it took 10 years to figure out!
  • As you reflect on who your friend really is, ask yourself if the changes you’d like are possible. If you’ve been through some version of the same problem with this guy numerous times, it might be that the two of you should part ways. Either you will have to change or he will; or both of you will. Don’t discount those possibilities, but don’t ignore your experience and hope for a miracle, especially if your “friendship” is a regular source of unhappiness.
  • You are going to have to accept some things you’d rather not. No two people are perfectly compatible. If you want perfection in your comrades, expect to lead a very lonely life.
  • Do some major soul-searching. To what extent might you have contributed to the problem? Do you expect too much from people? Are you assertive enough to set limits, or do you let others walk over you and disappoint you until you finally explode, break down, or summarily end relationships? Is there a repeating pattern of relationship problems in your own life? What part of the current dilemma has your name on it? What do you need to change about yourself?

WHAT TO DO:

  • Write down what you’ve learned through your analysis of yourself, your friend, and the situation.
  • At some point in the process of reflection, write a letter to your friend that you don’t ever mail or email. It can help you get perspective and externalize or neutralize some of the intensity you are feeling.
  • Whatever the friendship problem is, talk to someone about it. Get an opinion and perhaps advice from a person you trust. Look for a confidant who is wise, but is willing to tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.
  • If your analysis of the situation determines that your friend is actually a scoundrel, then writing him off, however painful, is probably necessary. But remember, most people aren’t that bad.
  • If you are to save the relationship, you are going to have to talk with each other, if at all possible, face-to-face (but, again, be hesitant to criticize his spouse). Remember to use “I” statements, as in “This is how I felt when you said X” rather than, “Look at what you did, you SOB!” Be calm. Remind the friend of what he means to you and the parts of him that you admire and appreciate. Figure out beforehand what you will need from him to put things right and be sure this is part of the discussion.
  • Apologize for your part. The two friends I mentioned earlier both accepted responsibility for the things that caused the 10-year break. Both vowed to be more direct so that resentments didn’t fester. Both saw the hurt in the other and the value in the other. Each one felt genuinely sorry for the injury he had inflicted on the friend. Both let go of the past and went forward. Not every last detail was discussed and resolved. They didn’t have to be. To put it simply, love triumphed.

How do I know all that? I’m one of the two people.

That is what you call a happy ending.

—

For a discussion of the real meaning of friendship, this may be of interest: A Friendly Discourse on Friendship.

May 6, 2013

The R.S.V.P Puzzle

rsvp

In the ancient world (or perhaps I should say, in the 1960s) everyone knew what R.S.V.P. meant. Today, not so much. Oh, people do think they know. But, you can be dead sure and dead wrong.

Consider today’s essay a short lesson in good taste and good manners. It might make people like you more.

An example will illustrate the point. I had the occasion to invite several people to a dinner for an organization with which I am involved. It is a not-for-profit corporation. These particular invitees had been helpful to the enterprise, but we didn’t know all of them well. The invitations requested them to R.S.V.P. It was clear that the dinner would be free to each one, a material way to thank them for their good-will and assistance.

Fourteen of these invitations were sent, but only three responses were received as the date approached. About two weeks before the event emails were sent with a second request to R.S.V.P. This brought additional answers to the question of whether we should expect their attendance or not.

Out of the blue came two emails from people who had not been invited, telling us that they would be coming. Whoa! How did this happen?

It turned out that these were associates of two of the real invitees. The newcomers were individuals whom we had never met and had not been involved with our not-for-profit corporation. They’d been given the invitations and encouraged to attend our event. Indeed, they were temporary employees in those organizations that had been helpful to us.

This put us in the awkward position of having to tell these people that they had not been invited (as they already knew); and, since we are a charity, to inform them that we had a limited capacity to provide complimentary dinners that would diminish the funds available for our philanthropic efforts.

The attempt to pass along our invitation reminded me of a practice that has occurred in wartime. During the Civil War, for example, you could get out of serving as a soldier if you could find someone willing to substitute for you. Still, this was hardly the Civil War, but a simple dinner invitation done in gratitude for the help provided to us. No bullets would be flying.

So what happened? Why did we receive responses from less than 2/3 of those to whom we wished to show some kindness and gratitude? And why did two of those people think it would be appropriate to pass along our invitation to others we did not know without asking us if this was permissible?

First, I don’t think anyone intentionally wanted to be rude. These are all good and decent folks. They do good work at their places of employment. They had no motive to be disrespectful and I’m sure had no intention of being thoughtless.

What other explanation might then account for the failure to respond? I suspect that R.S.V.P has somehow lost a bit of its meaning, the compulsory quality it used to carry. So what exactly does it mean to R.S.V.P. and what did it mean once upon a time?

Let’s start with the literal meaning. It is an abbreviation of a common French phrase whose translation is, “Please respond.”

According to Wikipedia:

The high society of England adopted French etiquette in the late 18th century, and the writings of Emily Post (the authority on etiquette) aim to offer a standard no more stringent than that tradition. Late 20th century editions (of her book), building on her 1920s beginning work, say… that “Anyone receiving an invitation with an RSVP on it is obliged to reply….” and some recent editions describe breaching this standard as “inexcusably rude.”

Emily Post advises (that) anyone receiving an invitation with an R.S.V.P. on it must reply promptly, and should reply within a day or two of receiving the invitation.

OK, so when you receive a written invitation to an event, it is expected that you will quickly inform your host whether or not you plan to attend. That puts some pressure on you: if you are coming you need to so inform the sender; equally, if you are not coming, your anticipated non-attendance must also be reported.

Why?

  1. First, because someone has thought of you favorably. He or she wishes the pleasure of your company. It may be your brilliance, your beauty, your fame, your charm, or something else, but the invitation says that you matter. By responding you acknowledge the kindness and compliment being extended to you and take a small step in reciprocating. In effect, you are saying, “Thank you for the invitation. You matter to me, too.”
  2. Invitations generally do not go to everyone. Space is often limited. If the host or hostess is to be able to plan to fill those spaces, he or she needs to know who will be there and who won’t.
  3. Social gatherings generally involve food and refreshments. The party planner must have a reasonable idea of how much to buy, how much to prepare, how much to budget. And, they must have enough advanced notice to do this.
  4. You were invited. Not your understudy, not your next-door-neighbor, not your business associate. Don’t assume that anyone else can substitute for you. That diminishes the importance of the thoughtfulness of the host or hostess in choosing you.

I suspect that many of us don’t think about these things too much; don’t think about the reasons our potential benefactor needs to hear from us, sooner rather than later or not at all. Some assume that they need to respond only with regrets at not being able to come. And, indeed, many invitations come with the message “Regrets only.”

I imagine that when some of us delay responding or don’t respond at all, we are thinking, “Oh, one person more or less isn’t going to matter that much;” or “I’ll get to it later.” No harm is intended by this attitude, yet there can be inconvenience or expense to the person extending the invitation. Remember, that person has to answer the question “Should I buy enough chicken for a dinner of 15 or 115?”

I also have witnessed, as have all of us over 40, that the civilized world has become a more casual place, one with fewer dress codes, social restrictions, and compulsory expectations. A world that is a bit friendlier and more at ease. But, sometimes that ease is purchased at the price of slackness, inconsideration, and unreliability. I can’t tell you what the perfect balance is, but I can tell you that if you are planning an event, you hope that people take your invitations seriously and make your life a little easier by informing you of their plans with respect to it.

Immanuel Kant, the great German philosopher, offered us a way to think about situations like this. He wrote about the idea of a “categorical imperative” when it comes to rules for moral behavior. He suggested that each of us should ask ourselves some version of the following question: Would I be content if the rules I use to govern my behavior (like viewing an R.S.V.P as optional) also apply to everyone else in the world? And, would the world be better or worse for it?

Really, it is pretty simple. The Golden Rule is almost always a great way to evaluate our conduct. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Even in response to dinner invitations.

April 21, 2013

Einstein’s Legs

Einstein's Legs

My friend Jan Gordon recently sent me several photo reproductions I hadn’t seen, including one of Albert Einstein. Most of us usually see just Einstein’s head. But here, for all those curious about his nether regions, were his legs. Not bad, I’d say!

That got me to thinking, as nearly everything does. Einstein is one of the best brains ever, but his lower extremities are pretty ordinary. He is just another guy.  We are — all of us — much of the time, just like everyone else. Even the great men and women.

We don’t typically think about all the mundane things that make our lives no different from the lives of others.  The time we just spend dressing, shaving, combing, eating a banana, pouring a glass of milk, going to the W/C, brushing our teeth, sleeping, snoring. Even passing gas and sneezing. Think about your idol, your dream date, the person you most admire in the world. The smartest people, the most beautiful people, the powerful people; the good people and the bad people. Abe Lincoln, Hillary Clinton, Heidi Klum, Mick Jagger, Genghis Khan, Mozart, Madame Curie, Queen Elizabeth, everyone.

If a case can be made that people are really the same everywhere, it is in these things. We come into the world with nothing and we leave it in the same way, as the Bible reminds us. Great men and great women are only great in the in-between moments. Much of life is about nothing bigger than grooming, maintenance, and sleep. Take a look at your dogs and cats. They do it too.  Perhaps the secret to Einstein’s greatness was that he didn’t spend much time combing his hair and therefore had more time for deep thought.

Baby Einstein, with legs crossed, as in the above photo.

Baby Einstein, with legs crossed, as in the top photo.

We work and train to win the races of life, but most competitions are over in a flash. Lots more time is spent on wiping our bottom. Maybe one of the tricks to happiness is finding contentment in the things we never think about. According to some sources, women spend .78 hours per day in grooming, men .56. That doesn’t count mowing the lawn, sewing or buying or mending clothes, taking the kids to school, or paying bills.

The next time you think about how much you wish you were more wonderful or more accomplished, look at that photo of Einstein and imagine him clipping his toenails. I have it on good authority that he actually did. I’ll admit, it is not an ennobling thought. But, in that moment, every one of us is an Einstein. Hope that makes you (and me) feel better.

—

The second photo is of Einstein at age three, the oldest known picture of him. And note that he appears quite well-groomed! It was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

April 8, 2013

The Power of a Picture

There are times when words fail, no matter how gifted the writer. Goethe, one of the most gifted, said that “Music begins where words end,” but even choosing the music for the above picture would be difficult.

I will say very little about the photo reproduction and leave the rest to you. The photo was taken at a wedding, the happiest of occasions. The year was 1928. The place, Hungary. The Jewish wedding of Ibolya Heisler and Erno Kaufmann. By now you are getting the picture.

Fifty-eight people, all numbered and most identified. Many would eventually be numbered differently: with tatooed identification numbers placed on the left forearm as they were swept into the Holocaust during World War II (1939 – 1945).

April 8th is Holocaust Remembrance Day. It is a day to honor those lost, but also intended to warn us never to forget what happened to them; and never to permit this depth of human cruelty to occur again. And yet, my hunch is that for the survivors and their children there has been no difficulty in remembering. The problem is instead that it is so difficult to forget.

Only two of those pictured survived the Nazi attempt to exterminate the entire Jewish population of Europe.

Each one with a life much like yours or mine. Each one. If you click on the photo, you will see an enlarged version and be able to make out the faces. Their names — the names that the Nazis replaced with numbers — can be found below.

The photo comes courtesy of the children of the two survivors.

—

M=male; F=female Taken at Ibolya Heisler’s wedding

(6th revision 7/7/86) Date:  Summer of 1928 (LGF)

1. F Unknown relative of #31 (OHM).  KEMPFNER, Piroska, niece of #48 (LGF)

2. M Eldest son of Isidor BRAUN, brother of #43 (OHM); BRAUN, Francis, son of #18 & #48 (LGF)

3. F HEISLER, Hermin, nee Reisz, sister of #6, married HEISLER, Ferenc, nephew of #13 & 1st cousin #37 (TH, MH, & LGF)

4. F Rosa, our maid (LGF)

5. F KEMPFNER, Irma, daughter of #9 & niece of #48 (LGF)

6. F HEISLER, Ilona, nee Reisz, wife of #37, sister of #3 (TH, MH, OHM, LGF)

7. F unknown KAUFMANN relative

8. F HEISLER, Imre’s wife, Sari (OHM):  HEISLER, Sara, wife of 1st cousin of #37 (LGF)

9. F KEMPFNER, Berta, sister-in-law of #48 **

10. F HEISLER, Ilus, daughter of #13 by 1st wife; sister of #37; married MARKUS, Imre (OHM); HEISLER, I., daughter of #13 by 1st wife, died in Auschwitz (LGF)

11. F HEFFER, Sara, daughter of #15 (LGF)

12. M KAUFMANN cousin (LGF)

13. M HEISLER, Marton (Mor) married (1) Julia Fischer (2) Arabella Weisz (MH, OHM, TH)

14. M KAUFMANN cousin (LGF)

15. F HEFFER, Theresa, second cousin of #43 (LGF)

16. M Unknown, KAUFMANN relative (LGF)

17. F KEMPFNER, Berta, sister-in-law of #48. **#9 & #17 are different persons (LGF)

18. M BRAUN, Isidor, brother of #43 (LGF)

19. F KAUFMANN, Katharine, sister of #45 & daughter of #46 (LGF)

20. F unknown KAUFMANN relative (LGF)

21. M KAUFMANN, Bernard, brother of #45 & son of #46 (LGF)

22. M Probably the gardener! (AMH)

23. F Wife of Bernard KAUFMANN, #21, (LGF)

24. F SCHWARTZ, Wilma, daughter of #25 & distant cousin of #43 (LGF)

25. F SCHWARTZ, Bertha, third cousin of #43 (LGF)

26. F SCHWARTZ, Vilma sister-in-law of #25 & relative of #43 (LGF)

27. F SCHWARTZ, Sydonia, cousin of #43 (LGF)

28. F Unknown KAUFMANN relative

29. F HEISLER, Margit, daughter of #43 married Greiner, Isidor (OHM) (LGF)

30. F HEISLER, Arabella Weisz, 2nd wife of #13 (MH)

31. F KOVACS, Frieda, nee Braun, sister of #43 (OHM); KEMPFNER (changed to KOVACS) Frieda, nee Braun (LGF)

32. M SCHNEIDER, Sandor married to #33 (TH, LGF)

33. F HEISLER, Bozsi, daughter of Heisler, Samuel & Fanny (TH); Heisler, Elizabeth married to #32 (LGF)

34. F Piroska, daughter of #42 who is 2nd cousin of #43 (LGF)

35. M Husband of #34 – they divorced later (LGF)

36. M ADLER, Bela, husband of #39 (LGF)

37. M HEISLER, Mihaly aka Michael, son of #13 by 1st wife (TH, MH)

38. F FISCHL, Josephine nee Heffer, daughter of #15 (LGF)

39. F BRAUN, Piri, cousin from #43’s side (OHM):  BRAUN, Piri, daughter of #18 & #48 & niece of #43; married (1) ADLER, (2) SPITZER, George (LGF)

40. F Baby:  FISCHL, Susan, daughter of #38 (LGF)

41. F Grandma KEMPFNER, mother of #48, & mother-in-law of #18 (LGF)

42. F SINGER, Sidonia, second cousin of #43 (LGF)

43. F HEISLER, Roza nee Braun married H., Jakab, brother of #13 (OHM, MH, TH, LGF)

44. F HEISLER, Ibolya, bride of #45, daughter of #43 (OHM, TH, LGF)

45. M KAUFMANN, Erno, groom of #44 (OHM); the bridegroom (LGF)

46. F KAUFMANN, mother of #45 — this was a wedding picture (OHM, LGF)

47. F SZILAGYI, Gundi, #43’s daughter by 1st marriage (OHM):  SZILAGYI, Kunigunda nee Braun, 1/2 sister of #43 by her father’s 1st marriage (LGF)

48. F BRAUN, Gizella, nee Kempfner, wife of #18 & sister-in-law of #43 (LGF)

49. F HEFFER, Ilona, daughter of #15 (LGF)

50. M Unknown Kaufmann relative (LGF)

51. F HEFFER, Jolan, daughter of #15 (LGF)

52. F KAUFMANN grandchild (LGF)

53. F GREINER, Edith, daughter of #29 (TH, LGF) married HOLZER, Alois (LGF)

54. F HEISLER, Klari, daughter of #3 & HEISLER, Ferenc, nephew of #13 (TH)

55. F GREINER, Lenke, daughter of #29 married Farkas Laszlo (TH, MH, LGF)

56. F KEMPFNER, Piroska, daughter of #17 (LGF)

57. M HEISLER, Laszlo (Laci), son of #43 (TH, OHM, LGF)

58. ? Baby on right:  Probably the child of #21 & #23 (AMH)

Dog:  Bundy (OHM);  Bundas (LGF)

Note: Sources indicated in parentheses ( ) following entry are:  OHM = Olga Heisler Marko;  TH = Tibor Heisler; MH = Mihaly or Michael Heisler; LGF = Lenke Greiner Farkas; AMH = Anne McDonnel Heisler

For a very different story on the same subject, click on the link: To Save One Life Is As If You Have Saved the World: Nicholas Winton and the “Kindertransport”.

April 1, 2013

Advice for Life: Dr. S’s Savvy Suggestions for Survival

Swiss_army_knife_open_20050612

When I was 16 I thought that life would be peachy once I knew how to drive and had a girlfriend. Unfortunately, achieving those two goals did not produce a permanent state of bliss. The first didn’t seem very important once it was accomplished; and the second — well, I regret to say that even love becomes something that one takes a bit too much for granted, except when it is absent.

If I could have given that kid I was some guidance, the list of advice wouldn’t have included those items because he (I) already knew I needed to learn to drive and find love. Nor would I have instructed him to work hard; or about the importance of the almighty dollar, values osmotically communicated within my childhood home. But here is a list of the things I might have offered, even if that 16-year-old version of myself couldn’t have fully understood them all:

1. When your mother told you that “Your eyes are bigger than your mouth” as you looked at a glorious piece of pie, she was on to something: the illusion of appearances. Some things and some people who look good, aren’t good. Or, have no lasting value, only a temporary pleasure that, like the food your mother was talking about, might not be as wonderful as you think.

2. Be quick to recognize patterns of mistakes and stop repeating them. As Bill Clinton said, “When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.”

3. Perpetual regret is some version of hell. The first half of your life gives you lots of chances to recover from wrong turns and thereby avoid sentences that start with “I should have” or “I shouldn’t have.” You have the time to start most things over.

4. Hiding, hesitating, and hoping don’t work very well. To get ahead in life you can’t just read about it, imagine it, or worry about it. You actually have to do it. It’s a little like jumping into a cold pool. Once you’re in the water, you get used to the cold temperature and discover you can swim.

5. Don’t fool yourself by rationalizing your misdeeds or denying the real reasons you do what you do. But do learn to forgive yourself for most things. You are human, after all, and mistakes come with the package.

6. Perfectionism will kill you. So will slovenliness. Goldilocks was right about a lot of things: don’t aim for “too hot” or “too cold,” but for “just right.” In philosophical terms it is “the golden mean” — that place between excess and deficiency, between too much and too little of a quality. Some people call it balance.

7. No one cares about you except your mother, and even she has other things on her mind. OK, the first part of the last sentence is an exaggeration, but most of the people you know are too busy thinking about themselves to think much about you. Get over your self-consciousness.

8. You will pay for wisdom. Pain teaches, pleasure not so much. The body gives way in any case. Take care of your body; enjoy it and all the many pleasures of being young. Indeed, don’t take life so seriously that you miss the joy in living.

9. You too will die. Marcus Aurelius, the great Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor, actually hired someone to remind him of this fact every day. The cemetery is full of irreplaceable people. As Gregory Maguire has written, “Happy endings are still endings.” That tends to put things in perspective, so note the truth of it without constantly dwelling on it.

10. There is always someone better (and better off) than you are. There is always someone worse (and worse off) than you are.

11. You can’t have it all. Choose wisely, but remember Einstein’s words: “Try not to be a person of success, but rather a person of value.”

12. Accumulate experiences moment to moment, not possessions. Money and “stuff” are overrated unless you don’t have enough to get by.

"Follow_the_Oldtimers_Advice."_-_NARA_-_514272

13. Make friends. People are the problem, but they are also the solution. Grudges will eat you alive, so try to let go and enjoy people for who they are, not who you want them to be, unless they are real scoundrels who should then be avoided. Spend more time trying to change yourself and less trying to change others.

14. Be nice. Or, to quote from American Opinion Magazine: “My boy,” said a father to his son, “treat everyone with politeness, even those who may be rude to you. For remember that you show courtesy to others not because they are gentlemen, but because you are a gentleman.”

15. Religion isn’t essential to morality. Some of the kindest and most decent people you will encounter don’t believe in God. But some really wonderful people do.

16. You must change yourself perpetually because of the changing circumstances in any life, not the least of which is aging. Think of life as a moving target, not one that is stationary. It follows that you should always seek to learn more from both study and experience. By the way, the most interesting people you meet will be the ones from whom you learn, by their words or their example.

17. You have to take chances, otherwise you can’t grow. Make the transition from seeing challenges as a crisis to seeing them as an opportunity.

18. Acceptance of the things that can’t be changed and appreciation of the good things you have are both life long tasks. Work at them.

19. Think about how you relate to money, food, time, and sex. Know where your potential spouse stands on each of these before your wedding day.

20. Reproduce. That’s why you are here, but don’t do so to save your marriage, and recognize that raising a child is a tremendous amount of work. Only have a baby if you want to be involved in all aspects of your little one’s life.

21. Overcome the things of which you are afraid. If you don’t they will diminish your life and continue to haunt you until you die.

22. Get to know your parents and, if possible, their early history. Whether by their good or bad example, they have something to teach you. There is also probably at least one person in your family who is so nuts that you want to reach for a giant nutcracker. Try to stay out of his or her way.

23. If you are an anxious or worried person, know that most of the things you anticipate either won’t happen or are survivable.

24. Always treat the wait-staff well.

25. Learn to be assertive. The world can be a merciless place if you don’t. Don’t explain your reasons or make excuses when no one asked. Don’t ask for permission when none has been requested. Someone might just say “no.”

26. Dr. S’s Bonus Item: Almost all the things you think will be the permanent solution to your problems provide only temporary relief. Once you solve one difficulty you are on to the next one, which probably requires a different remedy. Life is about learning that you can take on new challenges, not about finding permanent solutions to a fixed and unchanging set of problems.

27. Dr. S’s Second Bonus: If you want to get ahead, do what President Woodrow Wilson said: “Do not follow people who stand still.”

—

The top photo by Jonas Bergsten is of a Victorinox Swiss Army Knife, Mountaineer Model. The poster is called Follow the Old-timer’s Advice and comes from the Office of Emergency Management, Office of War Information, 1941-1945. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.